Dear George Dear George 13.2.17

Published on February 13th, 2017 | by Boris

“Let me first welcome you to the beautiful city of Sydney”

Dear George,

Let me first welcome you to the beautiful city of Sydney and let you know how proud we are to have you here.

I have spoken to the city council and unfortunately we are unable to hang a banner from the Sydney Harbour Bridge with ‘Rossi is a puta’ written on it.

We are, however, in a position to fly your Lorenzo Land flag from the top of the bridge, but we cannot fly the one you’ve supplied because it is 300 metres by 200 metres and the flagpole just isn’t designed for that kind of load.

We are actively considering your request to let you ride across the bridge in a chariot drawn by 16 white horses with a convoy of transport vehicles behind you carrying every bike you’ve ever ridden, but we simply don’t have that many white horses. I can, however, organise 16 sleek bicycle riders from the Death To All Cars lobby.

However, I cannot allow you to brandish a spear during the parade, and while I understand it is legal under the Spartan Law you have invoked, I do have to remind you that this is not Sparta.

I also regret to inform you that we cannot seal off Bondi Beach for you to swim privately. You may have noticed it is quite warm in Sydney at the moment and while it’s very generous of you to say you will allow only ‘very beautiful girls’ onto the sand to watch you bathe, it’s not something I think I can convince our rate-payers to swallow.

I would also like to thank you for your very kind offer to visit the fireground where our heroic Rural Fire Service is fighting our seasonal bushfires, to provide stirring motivational speeches in Spanish to the afflicted residents, encouraging them not to give up, and to keep fighting until the last ember is extinguished, much as you did last year during the race season.

We have also checked our records and made inquiries with the NSW Police Force, ASIO and Interpol and we have no record of anyone called “Jonas Fucking Folger”, so I cannot help you in that regard.

I wish you every success in the forthcoming MotoGP season and trust your testing in Phillip Island will go well. And no, Gigi has not told me what is in the box behind your seat, but I’m sure that whatever it is, it is perfectly legal and within the rules.

Yours faithfully,

The Hon Clover Moore
Mayor of Sydney

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About the Author

is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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