Quick & Dirty

Published on October 10th, 2013 | by Boris


“Why do I have to put my hair in a ponytail? I don’t want to put it in a ponytail. It goes all icky. Leave me alone. I know what I’m doing!”


No, Magda is not ready to go yet. She has been admiring the way you wait for her out the front of her flat. It’s how she rolls.


Christine has got her hair stuck in the air-conditioning duct. This will have an impact on whether you’ll be able to miss Peak Hour. Be gentle with the scissors.


You stop to get petrol, and the next thing you know, young Stella is across the road and onto the slipper dip in the kid’s playground. The council should close those bastard things. They’re dangerous.


That’ll teach you to date flatmates. What are you gonna do now? Buy a sidecar?


It’s gonna be hard talking Annie into a pair of pants. She wants people to see her new tattoo, and that means your going to have to be firm if you want her to put on her Joe Rockets for a blast up the Putty.


So you stop at Maccas for a late night burger. You come back to your bike and this is going on. Yeah, we wouldn’t know what to do either. Calling the cops is probably best though.


Vanessa is sad because she wanted to go to the beach, not ride past it at 270km/h.


Destiny has been keeping close track of your lap times around Sydney Motorsport Park. She feels you could be a little faster through Turns Four, Seven and Nine.


You know those beaut camo riding pants you used to have? Sharon has made a pair of underpants out of them. She was bored. It’s your fault.


Tara’s bladder is full of Breezers. Your suspension is going to smash her kidneys into bruised plums and you’ll have to stop at least nine times on the way home. And you know how much she hates to pee in servos.


You told Sarah she would be cold going over the Bells Line of Road in June. Would she listen? No, she would not. And now she’s cold and you’re going to pay.


Dani’s jeans will not fit over her new riding boots. Now she’s going to be late for work, and not wearing any pants. You will have a lot of explaining to do to her boss.


Tina is happy to put her hair up before she gets on the bike with you. But she never has any hair-bands. Yes, of course this is now your problem.


When they are new to pillioning, and Vicki is very new to it, it’s best to get them to practice the position they will be required to adopt. You don’t want her falling off the back, do you?

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About the Author

is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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