“Dear Mr Dall’Igna, Matthias here. You can call me Herr Müller”

Firstly, I did not know there were islands in Austria, but then I didn’t know we were telling fibs about our car emissions either.

Now I don’t know much about this motorcycle racing business, but I would imagine this Spanish fellow we paid all that money for should be somewhere north of 15th.

Correct me if I have this wrong. Actually, no. Don’t say anything. It’s better when Italians don’t speak.

The problem is that while I am CEO, I do in fact have to explain myself to the Accountants, or Buchhalters as they prefer to be known.

And if you think I am sour and humourless, you should see Dietrich the Buchhalter OberFuhrer. I’m pretty sure he keeps frozen puppy carcasses in his freezer for lollipops.

Dietrich is not happy with this George fellow being 15th.

And because Dietrich is not happy, I am not happy.

I don’t expect you’re happy at the moment either.

There will be no happiness at all until this situation improves dramatically.

And when I find out who this Hammer and Butter character is who keeps sending me Instagram pictures of his Spartan cape, I will ban happiness altogether forever.

I trust I have made myself clear.

Yours faithfully,

Matthias Müller
CEO Volkswagen AG
Wolfsburg, Germany