“We represent the butter producers and hammer manufacturers of Europe”
Dear Mr George,
We advise you that we represent the butter producers and hammer manufacturers of Europe, who are considering a class action against you.
We understand in certain circles you refer to yourself as “Martillo y Manteqilla” or “Hammer and Butter” in English. From what we can see in this image that has been sent to us, you appear to be neither of those things. Thus it is a clear case of misrepresentation.
Exhibit A: We can see no butter and not the slightest trace of any hammers.
Our clients require you to immediately stop calling yourself “Martillo y Manteqilla” , because it is, as one of our clients put it, “Utter fucken bullshit” and might well affect the sales of their products in the near future. Another client advised us that: “He sure ain’t like no butter I ever squeezed out of no cow”. And one hammer producer has declared that: “I’ve got his hammer right here. Next to his mum.”
We would also advise you that while we know what Ducati is paying you, we also know it’s not enough to cover our legal fees, let alone punitive damages and any costs that may be awarded should we go to trial.
But it’s not all bad news, even though it might look like that from where you’re eating Argentinian gravel, which is entirely a matter for you. We have prepared a few alternative things you can call yourself, thus preserving our clients’ good names.
Might we suggest:
Gritando y Llorando (Screaming and Crying)
Estrellarse y Arder (Crashing and Burning)
Berrinches y Lágrimas (Tantrums and Tears)
No Hay Campeonatos Aquí (No Championships Here)
We remain respectfully yours,
Campbellfield Bruikhaus Adelshaw Partners,
Bishops Square, London, UK
About the Author
Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.
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