“Only God forgives! El Spartano di Magnifico y Mamba di Venganza does not forgive!”
Dear Gigi,
Who is the ring-tailed grass-chewing puta responsible for this mierda?! I demand to know which stinking imbécil, whose mother is clearly a streetwalker in the slums of Madrid and whose father is unknown to him or to God, committed this crime against me!
This shall not go unpunished. I swear, on the trophies of my 27 world championships, and by the calloused hands of the nuns who beat the love of Jesús into me when I was a child, I shall find this puta, and I will cut him with razors for this disgrace.
You will have to buy me these razors, Gigi, since no-one in MotoGP seems to shave except those English criminals and that prehistoric Yellow Puta. I am sure there is not a hair to be found on his microscopic testículos, so he is probably not a proper man.
But first you will give me the name of the repugnante saco de mierda who had the temerity to discount my exclusive Spartan wear by 20 per cent after I let that idiot sad-eyed puta win on Sunday.
What did I say after the race? I said: “You must increase the price of my Spartan wear by 200 per cent, inmediatamente! The demand will be overwhelming and if the Yellow Puta can charge $100 for a T-shirt then I can certainly charge $200!”
And then what do I see? I see a 20 per cent discount! How dare anyone devalue my racing number like this?! Do they not see the horns? Do they know when they fool with toro they get the horns of the toro in their faces and culos and madres!? Well they will know! I will be the horns of the toro of vengeance!
Bring this pedazo di merda to me, Gigi! Bring him to me clanking in cruel chains, his back freshly lashed open with the Team Ducati Horsewhip, and bring me a big bowl of salt so that I may dress his wounds with it!
I will dance the macarena to his screams. I will feel him squirm under my dancing bootheel as he grovels for forgiveness. But I will not forgive, Gigi! Only God forgives! El Spartano di Magnifico y Mamba di Venganza does not forgive!
And please make sure my motorhome is freshly polished for the final round in Valencia.
Love,
George.
About the Author
Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.
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