Dear George

Published on April 18th, 2018 | by Boris


“I have told many secrets in this book. The first is that Carlito makes the smells from his breath when he sleeps. It is very unpleasant.”

Dear Gigi,

How is the building of the Super Mamba la Magnífica Sala de Victoria de Firma de Libros pavillion going?

You don’t expect me to sign copies of my new book out the back in Parc Firme like some homeless piece of mierda, do you? Ha ha!

So the Signing Throne (covered in the skin of cobras who are the enemies of the mambas) and the 268-Karat gold Texta pen will all be ready for me after I dominate FP1 in North Mexico on Friday, yes?

I think I am excellent at being an author, Gigi. It is another notch on my Belt of Brave Achievements Only I Could Have Achievemented.

You will remember my first book, My Story So Far, sold nine copies. Nine, Gigi! That was the most sales of any book ever written by a racer. That Milk-Hating Puta, Stacey Coner, his stupid book only sold three copies to all three of his parents. Ha!

Yes, the Yellow Puta, and I cago en la leche of his puta madre, sold 78 million copies of his book. But he bought them all himself. So it does not count.

This new book will sell many more copies. Maybe 15, or even 16. The title is fantastic, isn’t it, Gigi? Lo Que Aprendi Hasta Los 30, What I Learned By The Time I Reached 30. It just rolls off the Spanish tongue, doesn’t it?

Especially when the rest of the heading is added. Mis Secretos Para Alcanzar El Exito En Todo Lo Que Te Propongas, or in stupid English, My Secrets To Achieve Success In Everything You Set For You – and that you is me, Gigi, not you, OK?

I have told many secrets in this book. The first is that Carlito makes the smells from his breath when he sleeps. It is very unpleasant.

Also, the Ducati is the same red colour as the weeping rash on my grandfather’s elbows. No-one knew that until now. It is a good omen, I think, Gigi.

But I want to write a different book every month for the next year because that is what great authors do. I have planned them out, so you will know what to put in your diary.

My Birthday Month book – Starting At The Back Of The Grid Is Safer And Faster For A Champion

June book – The Best Beaches To Play Football On With Your Handsome Friends

July book – How To Cut The Face Of The Yellow Puta So He Is Not A Man Anymore

August book – Is That Little Brown Malaysian Man Jonas Folger?

Also August book – The Best Place To Put The Octopus

The Month After August book – The Other Best Place To Put The Octopus

September book – The Things I Dream Of When I Lose My Pants In My Motorhome

Christmas Month – Ignore The Dashboard During The Race Because It Is Stupid

New Year’s Month – How I Stunted The Growth Of Pedrosa And Made Meando In The Milk Of The Stacey

February – When I Brought Kawasaki Into MotoGP To Win The Championship

Jamon-Making Month – Italian Swear Words I have Learned From Gigi.

Speak To Suzuki Again Month – Why The Sad-Eyed Puta Is Like A Chicken I Once Strangled

So there you are, Gigi.

It is very good I think.

Oh, please find out who is this Herbert Diess puta and why is he sending me SMS messages? What does he want? Is this some kind of sex-talk thing for lonely men? I do not want that, Gigi.

Please make sure it stops.

I am very excited to be in North Mexico again. It is good here. All the people are fat, which makes me feel very superior.

Make sure you put the pavilion in the shade. The sun makes the sweat inside me come out.

I am always in the first place on top of the mountains of successful dreaming, Gigi.



About the Author

is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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