“Carlito says I have very good truck-driving hands. He has never seen better. And I think he has seen the hands of many truck drivers”
Dear Gigi,
I hope your Christmas shopping for my gifts is going well. You know how much I love getting presents from you. Please make sure everything you get for me doesn’t clash with anything else you get for me, or indeed, anything any of the other boys in the team buy me either.
And tell that stupid sad-eyed puta of failure who is not the world champion just to leave his gifts for me outside the gate of my house. I cannot stand to look at the despair and defeat in his eyes, so I will not let him in.
Just to let you know I have been having a really good relaxing time off the Ducati. Here is a picture of me with some of my best friends. I am like Leonidas, the king of the Spartans, and they are like the king’s special warrior-mambas.
From left to right they are Carlo, Carlo, Rodrigo, Carlo, Steve, Leonidas (Ha! Just kidding, Gigi! It is me!), Carlo, Rodrigo, Carlo, and Carlito. Squatting down in front is Carlo and his brother Rodrigo.
We took this picture on an exclusive Spartan beach in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic where we go to play volleyball and where we cannot be disturbed by girls when we are playing the game. When I spike the ball, I must have full concentration, Gigi. It is like when I ride the bike.
This is the special Spartan Swing. My mambas take turns pushing me on it. And they push very hard. I’m usually wearing less clothing when that happens.
I do not think there are girls anywhere on Punta Cana. I have not seen any. Even the servants who bring fresh towels and ice to my room are all healthy and strong young mambas. They would make good Spartans, I think, Gigi. Girls do not make good Spartans. They all smell like stupid flowers and fruit salads, and they talk too fast and shop too much, and they giggle so much it gives me a headache.
Has Matthias sent me the Ojos di Fuego racing bonus? I have not checked my account, but it should be there according to my contract. Every time my eyes flashed with fearsome devil flame, Matthias said he would send me 100,000 Euro. There was a lot of flashing towards the end of the season, as you know, and it was all very fearsome. Like lightning.
So I think I have a few more weeks of relaxation before I begin to create the structure of the blueprint of the strategy behind the tactics of my plan to secure the 2018 MotoGP title. Which I will then send to you so you are ready for next season.
But I want to buy a dog first. I think that is more important. And I want to drive a truck, Gigi. I have never driven one before, but Carlito says I have very good truck-driving hands. He has never seen better. And I think he has seen the hands of many truck drivers, so he knows this.
I will come and visit you soon, Gigi.
Best wishes for your Christmas shopping for me,
George.
About the Author
Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.
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