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Published on July 4th, 2014 | by Boris

The 10 REAL reasons you should date a motorcyclist

I recently read, with a great deal of disdain, a blog article penned by someone called Motolady, who I assume is a lady who rides a motorcycle, and thus presumes to have an informed opinion as to why hot babes need to date blokes who ride bikes.

You can read her vacuous tosh here, if you’ve a mind to.

However, I, as the very avatar of brutal honesty, will seek to provide a totally candid 10-point guide as to why girls need to date motorcyclists. Hell, you want the truth or you want me to blow smoke up your pretty little arse? Yeah, that’s what I thought…

1. We will scare the juice out of you.

No, seriously. We will. No matter how many times you climb on the back of our bike, you can bet your rent money that before you get off again, you will have soiled yourself in fear. This is a good thing. For when you are scared, you shall require comforting and holding. And we all know exactly where that leads to.

“And soon will come the comforting…”

2. You’re not allowed to get fat.

If you get fat, we won’t want to take you anywhere on the back of our bikes. Even if we like fat chicks, your increased weight will make our bikes handle like shit, and we aren’t good with that. Consider yourself incentivised, ladies.

Just think how good it will be when your bum looks this good all the time you go riding with us!

3. Unlike those pricks in cars…

We shall never ask that you drive us home if we get smashed on scotch. Firstly, it is beneath our dignity to get doubled home by our women. Secondly, if we’re trashed, it’s a good bet you’re gonna be trashed too, since us motorcyclists aren’t in the habit of letting our women watch us drink. We want you to have a good time too, you know. And thirdly, letting us grope you in the back of the cab while you organise for your dad to get his ute and pick up our bike is the best foreplay ever. You’ll see.

“Get in, baby. I have warmed the vinyl up for you.”

4. We are hugely tolerant of shit happening.

Mood swings, tantrums and unforseen issues to do with your relatives/girlfriends/work. We ride bikes. Our insight into weird and sudden torrents of disaster is legendary. We have been forged on the road and annealed by the vagaries of fate. Especially if we have owned a Shovelhead or a Ducati, so make sure you ask about that if you need an extra-tolerant bloke.

There is nothing this cannot teach a man about tolerance. Nothing.

5. The very first time you go out with us, you will have to spread you thighs and grip our hips with them.

This has to happen even before you pour the first vodka down your neck. So the ice is well and truly broken in that regard. When it happens again later, after you’ve taken your underpants off, you won’t feel anywhere near as cheap and slutty as you normally would. Winning!

Guilt-free panty-dropping guaranteed!

6. You will learn things about cleaning.

Things like hard metal surfaces, vinyl, leather and rubber you never even knew could be learned. This is a life lesson you will take to your grave. Your house will always sparkle and your stainless steel kitchen appliances will always gleam because of those instructive hours you’ve spent in the driveway cleaning our motorcycles with us.

You’ll be an expert in no time.

7. You can talk all you want all the time about anything you like.

We don’t mind. We can’t hear you, so we don’t care. Feel free to express yourself and air your views. Honestly. Go for it.

No, no! You have to leave it on. It’s the law.

8. Once you have spent four hours by the side of the road…

Helping us plug a flat tyre at the height of summer out near Broken Hill, childbirth will be a doddle. You won’t even notice when the kid crowns and your pelvis explodes.

“He was right. This is nothing!”

9. You will understand the true value and glory of a hot shower.

Never again will you take hot water for granted.

“Oh. Yes.”

10. Motorcyclists are better lovers than car drivers. Fact.

This is because we understand that we may die at any second. So each time he have sex, we know it could be the last time we have sex. Therefore, we can always assure you of the most stonkingly awesome sex you’ve ever had. Promise.

“So how about some sandwiches then?

Tags: girls, Laughter

About the Author

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.