Dear George,<\/p>\n
I cannot squat here anymore. My pelvis has turned into bone-paste and all the veins in my legs have collapsed like the Venezuelan economy.<\/p>\n
The crew and I have been kneeling here so long that Paolo has soiled himself and can no longer abide the feral stench coming from his pants. He has to hold his nose.<\/p>\n
We have been in Mugello for the past eight hours and we have been sitting here in front of you for seven-and-a-half of those hours.<\/p>\n
We can\u2019t go outside because Rossi\u2019s fans will kill us all like rats, put your head on a pole and run through the streets of Scarperia e San Piero screaming his name.<\/p>\n
So we sit here. In front of you. And a bit below you. As you commanded.<\/p>\n
And what are you doing? Well, I know what you\u2019re not<\/em> doing.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not riding around Mugello at the speed of a thousand raped apes, smashing lap records, and leaving long liquorice lines of melted rubber in your wake.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not telling us what needs to happen to your Ducati so you can ride it like that. Even that idiot Simeon, who could not come any further last if he started the day after the race, and who hasn\u2019t shifted his vintage 900SD out of fourth gear since Qatar, offers us some insight.<\/p>\n \u201cIt scares the shit out of me in Turn Five!\u201d he yelps.<\/p>\n \u201cIt feels like I\u2019m going to crash in Turn Two,\u201d he whines.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s making a strange “GGLLEEERRRRRGGHH” noise when I pull the clutch in,\u201d he says, his eyes rolling in confusion.<\/p>\n So we make adjustments and we send him out again, wailing like a widow and trembling like a shitting dog. Even Tits Rabbit feels sorry for him.<\/p>\n You, on the other hand, want to talk about what a massive arse-goat Rossi is, how he stole your training methods, and how you\u2019ve been pissing into Dovi\u2019s energy drinks for the last month.<\/p>\n The only time you mention the bike is to tell us it needs to be a different red colour. \u201cA faster red colour with more blue in it,\u201d you said an hour ago. I know because I wrote it down next to the other instructions you\u2019ve suppled.<\/p>\n Those instructions were:<\/p>\n \u201cStab the Traitor Puta in all of his teeth! Stabby, stabby, stabby!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cTeach the Mad-Eyed English puta how to make the corrida<\/em> then kill him like a bull by driving a sword through the back of his neck. Ol\u00e9!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cSell an Asparagus Puta to Royal Enfield.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n But just so you know, the only adjustment left to make to your bike seat is to take it off and push it deep into my colon so I will look like I\u2019m pregnant with a toaster.<\/p>\n There are no more telemetries available. You already have all the telemetries. Stop asking. Seriously.<\/p>\n What you do not have are any fast laps. On any track anywhere on this earth. And the longer we sit here while our bones turn into cheese, our sphincters relax, and our bladders surrender their contents, the less chance there seems to be of you putting in any fast laps.<\/p>\n My head hurts, George. There is a pounding behind my eyes, I smell burning hair, and in my mouth there\u2019s the taste of metal. It\u2019s possible that I have sprouted a brain tumour in the last 20 minutes.<\/p>\n I really hope that\u2019s the case. Because then this ruined raft of misery that is floating upon this river of Spanish tragedy and blown by the cold winds of fuck my life, will soon end.<\/p>\n And I shall be free.<\/p>\n George, I cannot feel my chest anymore.<\/p>\n Yours in numbness,<\/p>\n Gigi.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear George, I cannot squat here anymore. My pelvis has turned into bone-paste and all the veins in my legs have collapsed like the Venezuelan economy. The crew and I have been kneeling here so long that Paolo has soiled himself and can no longer abide the feral stench coming from his pants. He has [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":904582,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[252],"tags":[253],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/904567"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=904567"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/904567\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":905622,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/904567\/revisions\/905622"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/904582"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=904567"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=904567"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=904567"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}