Dear George,<\/p>\n
My sister Antonia is married to a Serb. His name is Dragan. The family is terrified of him because when he drinks rakija<\/em> he likes to sing 500-year-old death ballads about killing Italians in a beautiful baritone voice as tears fall from his eyes.<\/p>\n He also likes to share the wisdom of his people with me. Much of that wisdom consists of axioms, maxims and pithy old village proverbs which are unique to the Serbs.<\/p>\n He called me straight after you successfully failed to make it into QP2 and pushed one of those ancient wisdoms straight down my throat.<\/p>\n \u201cGigi,\u201d he said. \u201cThis Shpanski kuratz<\/em> of yours, he has fucked a porcupine. And because he has fucked a porcupine, you have also fucked a porcupine. A separate porcupine to the one he has fucked, but it is still a porcupine which has your stupid Italjanski kuratz<\/em> stuck deep inside its pichka<\/em>. The bastard Schwabe<\/em> from Wolfsburg will not be happy. When the bastard Schwabe<\/em> are unhappy they get in their tanks and come to Serbia and we kill them with machine guns, hammers and pitchforks, so this is not a bad outcome, ha hah ha!\u201d<\/p>\n And then he laughed some more and went off to do abominable things to my sister. And she is not a porcupine.<\/p>\n You know how I told you my life has been a rat-plagued sewer since you joined Ducati? It seems I was wrong. I now dream of my life being a rat-plagued sewer. I dream this because then my life would be better than the shit-bedecked cannibal toilet-hole of a porcupine fuck-fest it currently is.<\/p>\n Let me just run Ducati\u2019s Argentinian holiday thus far past you\u2026<\/p>\n Free Practice One \u2013 Ninth. Lots of sighing in the pits, but nothing new. I think one of the techs is using heroin. I asked him to save me a hit.<\/p>\n Free Practice Two \u2013 Seventeenth. The Malaysian satay stick was ahead of you in sixteenth. Tits Fucking Rabbit on a 1978 Ducati Darmah was third and so far ahead of you he was in Brazil. I\u2019m hoping the syringe is dirty.<\/p>\n Free Practice Three \u2013 We rejoiced at your improvement from seventeenth to sixteenth. You should have seen us rejoicing. Such rejoicing.<\/p>\n Free Practice Four \u2013 Suddenly, you decide to be fourth. Of course, you decide to be fourth in FP4, which is when everyone rides around scratching their testicoli<\/em> and not giving a merda<\/em> because it\u2019s FP4.<\/p>\n Qualifying Practice One \u2013 Still fourth, huh? Except now it counts. Fourth in QP1 means fourteenth on the grid. Behind Karel. Behind Rabbit. Your four-tenths of a porcupine-fucking second ahead of Morbifuckendelli, George!<\/p>\n Qualifying Practice Two \u2013 Oh look, you\u2019re not here.<\/p>\n You\u2019re also not on pole. You know who is on pole? Jack Miller. And Jack is on pole because he rode around a partially wet racetrack on slicks, while sitting on fizzing testicoli<\/em> the size of planets and the colour of courage.<\/p>\n We pay Jack in beer, George. He is Australian, so he doesn\u2019t understand money. We offered him Euros but he said he doesn\u2019t need \u201cthat fucken poofter money to race bikes\u201d.<\/p>\n We give him old shitty bike parts, we make him shower in cold water, and we use electric shock therapy and sleep deprivation to motivate him. He comes from a country founded by criminals and run by fascists so he thinks he\u2019s getting a good deal.<\/p>\n So he tries very hard, George. All the time.<\/p>\n Just like I do. Even when I am balls-deep in a grunting Serbian porcupine.<\/p>\n Is the race over yet?<\/p>\n Gigi.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear George, My sister Antonia is married to a Serb. His name is Dragan. The family is terrified of him because when he drinks rakija he likes to sing 500-year-old death ballads about killing Italians in a beautiful baritone voice as tears fall from his eyes. He also likes to share the wisdom of his [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":643883,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[252],"tags":[253],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/643843"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=643843"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/643843\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":661074,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/643843\/revisions\/661074"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/643883"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=643843"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=643843"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=643843"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}