{"id":544402,"date":"2017-10-24T10:09:58","date_gmt":"2017-10-24T00:09:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=544402"},"modified":"2017-10-24T10:09:58","modified_gmt":"2017-10-24T00:09:58","slug":"i-just-wanted-to-tell-you-your-monkey-is-dead-and-to-say-sorry-to-you-for-beating-your-factory-ducati-on-my-1985-pantah","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/i-just-wanted-to-tell-you-your-monkey-is-dead-and-to-say-sorry-to-you-for-beating-your-factory-ducati-on-my-1985-pantah\/","title":{"rendered":"“I just wanted to tell you your monkey is dead and to say sorry to you for beating your factory Ducati on my 1985 Pantah.”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Mr Lorenzo,<\/p>\n

My name is Karel. You may have seen me from time to time. I sometimes wave at you in Parc Firme, but you never wave back. You once asked me to bring you fresh towels, remember?<\/p>\n

Just so you know, I didn\u2019t take your monkey, so please don\u2019t push any more notes under my door saying \u201cWhere is my monkey, towel-boy puta?\u2019<\/p>\n

Cal killed your monkey. Everyone knows that. Except you, apparently. So now you know. I don\u2019t think he killed Ucciccio on purpose, and I\u2019m pretty sure Rossi didn\u2019t put him up to it, but you never know with Vale.<\/p>\n

He can be a bit of joker towards the end of the season when he knows he cannot win the championship. He once put an extra supermodel in my motorhome and I didn\u2019t even notice for three days. So funny.<\/p>\n

I race a very old Ducati Pantah. I think it is from 1985. But my father owns the whole Czech Republic and the parts of Hungary with electricity, so that\u2019s all I\u2019m allowed to race according to the rules. I don\u2019t mind. I still get girls and I have a law degree so I can always do that when I get sick of racing motorcycles.<\/p>\n

\"\"

This is my favourite one. Her name is Nikola. She’s an accountant.<\/p><\/div>\n

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you your monkey is dead and to say sorry to you for beating your factory Ducati on my 1985 Pantah.<\/p>\n

Usually, me, Scott, Loris and Hector take turns being the slowest Ducati riders in the MotoGP. But this time it was you and Danilo. Pretty cool, huh?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t even get paid to race, and I still have lots of sex with hot Czech girls because my Dad is rich, so I don\u2019t really care.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if Loris cares. I don\u2019t speak much French and I\u2019m not sure if he cries all the time because he\u2019s happy or because he\u2019s sad, or because he is Zarco\u2019s chienne di poulle as he puts it. It\u2019s hard to tell. The French are strange, aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

Scott cares, but that\u2019s because he\u2019s English and has a tattoo on his neck. He gets paid in porridge and his manager beats him with a fence paling each time he crashes, so he really has to care.<\/p>\n

I think that\u2019s why he tried so hard on Sunday to be the fastest Ducati north of Antarctica. And he was. He was so happy he only punched Rabat in the face once.<\/p>\n

I also think him and Sam Lowes are going to have a fight at the end of the season, and it\u2019s going to be over who gets the most porridge after each race for being the slowest Englishman on a Ducati. The English are funny about their porridge and they love to fight.<\/p>\n

All Hector and Alvaro care about is their hair and doing body-shots with bikini centrefolds at Ibiza each year. Because they\u2019re short and Spanish, it\u2019s lucky they race MotoGP or girls wouldn\u2019t go near them. But I\u2019ll bet you already know that, huh?<\/p>\n

Still, you must be happy you beat poor old Tito by a massive one-tenth of a second. That was pretty special. Just when he decided to stop self-harming, you do that to him. Poor bastard.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t see it because I was in front of you both, but one of the girls in my hotel room said she saw how well you did. I think that\u2019s what she said. She did have her mouth full at the time, hahahah!<\/p>\n

Anyway, I think I will see you again in Sepang. I like Malaysia. My dad owns a few hundred islands there and we can go windsurfing after the race if you like. Let me know, OK?<\/p>\n

Once again, sorry about your dead monkey and for beating you. I almost beat Dovi too, apparently, but he picked up the pace towards the end. Not like you and me, huh? Never mind. It\u2019s still pretty fun racing motorcycles, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

Take care and best wishes,<\/p>\n

Karel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Mr Lorenzo, My name is Karel. You may have seen me from time to time. I sometimes wave at you in Parc Firme, but you never wave back. You once asked me to bring you fresh towels, remember? Just so you know, I didn\u2019t take your monkey, so please don\u2019t push any more notes [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":544408,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[252],"tags":[253],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/544402"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=544402"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/544402\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":544435,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/544402\/revisions\/544435"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/544408"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=544402"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=544402"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=544402"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}