{"id":446999,"date":"2017-08-05T11:03:37","date_gmt":"2017-08-05T01:03:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=446999"},"modified":"2017-08-06T16:45:46","modified_gmt":"2017-08-06T06:45:46","slug":"is-he-some-kind-of-cannibal-do-i-need-to-hire-a-sicilian-bodyguard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/is-he-some-kind-of-cannibal-do-i-need-to-hire-a-sicilian-bodyguard\/","title":{"rendered":"“Is He some kind of cannibal? Do I need to hire a Sicilian bodyguard?”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Gigi,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s me. Andrea. Your Number One rider.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry to bother you during a race weekend. I know how busy you are finding new octopus, churning butter, installing telemetry, bedding in those exciting new Mambadromic valves (and no, please don\u2019t put them into my bike), and racking the spears He keeps leaving around the pits.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t usually get involved in what He\u2019s doing. Quite frankly, He terrifies me. This morning, He gave me a pile of topless pictures of himself and told me if I didn\u2019t put them up in my motorhome He would feed me to His uncle\u2019s Ib\u00e9rico pigs, and I would end up on some tourist\u2019s plate as Jam\u00f3n Ib\u00e9rico de Bellota.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t even know what that is, Gigi. Is He some kind of cannibal? Do I need to hire a Sicilian bodyguard?<\/p>\n

Look, the reason I\u2019m contacting you is I am very concerned about my safety.<\/p>\n

He went out yesterday in FP1 and came third in the wet. Yes, it\u2019s true the rest of us set that up at the rider\u2019s meeting on Friday morning. It was all Vale\u2019s idea.<\/p>\n

\"\"

“It’s like he’s running with scissors, Gigi…”<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cLet Him think He is fast in the rain,\u201d he said. \u201cThen He will be confident in FP2 and try the new fairing in the dry and we will all ride faster, and His head will explode when he comes 15th. Jonas should come second, too. That way the explosion of His head will be even bigger because He still doesn\u2019t know who Jonas is and He will try and stab Bautista again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alvaro went and bought a gun straight after the meeting.<\/p>\n

Then at the press conference, He said: \u201cI feel, just in five laps, that we have a better potential with this new fairing\u201d. This was after He came 15th.<\/p>\n

Is His helmet too tight? Is that it? I would not put it past those French cretins and their fish helmet. They have been torturing us all year with their tyre lottery. They tell us lies about what compound is what, watch us go out on them, and laugh at us while smoking Gauloises with their hairy women.<\/p>\n

But please don\u2019t say anything to them. My season has been OK so far and I don\u2019t want anyone to notice me.<\/p>\n

Especially Him. Do you know He put a spear through the side of my motorhome on Thursday? \u201cCome out and die like a man, Yellow Puta!\u201d I heard Him yelling.<\/p>\n

I opened the window a little bit and said, \u201cPlease, it\u2019s me. Andrea! Vale\u2019s home is further down! Please go away! I\u2019m sorry I\u2019m beating you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t know what else to say. I really think I should buy a gun. I promise only to fire it in the air if He comes back. I know how much money Mathhias has invested in Him. I have not earned that much in the last 10 years. But that\u2019s OK. I don\u2019t mind. No. Really.<\/p>\n

Sorry. Please don\u2019t hate me.<\/p>\n

All the best,<\/p>\n

Andrea.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Gigi, It\u2019s me. Andrea. Your Number One rider. I\u2019m sorry to bother you during a race weekend. I know how busy you are finding new octopus, churning butter, installing telemetry, bedding in those exciting new Mambadromic valves (and no, please don\u2019t put them into my bike), and racking the spears He keeps leaving around [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":447012,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[252],"tags":[253],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/446999"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=446999"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/446999\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":447041,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/446999\/revisions\/447041"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/447012"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=446999"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=446999"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=446999"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}