{"id":441990,"date":"2017-07-14T10:12:22","date_gmt":"2017-07-14T00:12:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=441990"},"modified":"2017-07-14T10:33:03","modified_gmt":"2017-07-14T00:33:03","slug":"such-good-many-benefit-giz-money","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/such-good-many-benefit-giz-money\/","title":{"rendered":"SUCH GOOD, MANY BENEFIT, GIZ MONEY"},"content":{"rendered":"

It would not surprise you to know I have been black-banned by Dorna. This has been the case for some time now. I\u2019m not precisely sure what specific sin I committed against this august body (and hand on my heart I don\u2019t much care), but I tend to think Dorna isn\u2019t a fan of criticism.<\/p>\n

Nor is it a fan of Dear George, so it\u2019s unlikely I\u2019ll be on Dorna\u2019s Christmas card list in the future. But that\u2019s OK. I\u2019m used to crying myself to sleep at my age.<\/p>\n

Closer to home, its local cheer-squad, the Australian Grand Prix Corporation, is also not a fan of criticism.<\/p>\n

How do I know this?<\/p>\n

Well, I was the bloke who edited the Official 2016 MotoGP Program for the Corporation.<\/p>\n

Of course, given my many public criticisms of the Phillip Island venue over the last decade, there were all sorts of conniptions over my gig.<\/p>\n

Emails were sent to the publisher questioning if I was the right person for the job given my antipathetic views of the venue, and I provided assurances I would certainly not allow my personal views to affect the rather simple task of putting together the official program.<\/p>\n

After all, it would be highly unprofessional to air my personal views about the medieval facilities race-goers are required to put up with at the track. It\u2019s an official program, it follows a set of specific guidelines in terms of content.<\/p>\n

So I do that, I meet the deadline and budget, here\u2019s my invoice, see you later.<\/p>\n

Anyway, fast forward to 2017 and as the build-up for the 2017 Australian round of the MotoGP, the Corporation is once again, and rightly so, trying to drum up attendance for the Island.<\/p>\n

I have no issue with that. It\u2019s in the business to make money, it makes money when lots of people attend the event, so it is in its fiscal interest to do something about the flagging attendance, which seems to decline year after year.<\/p>\n

And so we come to this year\u2019s build-up. Last year, the Corporation badly misread its target audience and introduced a character called Phil Island \u2013 a bearded hipster-like bloke who gurned and capered across our TV screens as the living embodiment of the uber-fan \u2013 to spruik the event.<\/p>\n

I know a lot of motorcyclists. I don\u2019t know a single one who could relate to Phil Island. But I guess that\u2019s what happens when PR mavens who know nothing about motorcycling try and sell stuff to motorcyclists \u2013 epic fail by both the PR firm and by the Corporation who signed off on the campaign.<\/p>\n

This year there is thankfully less of Phil Island.<\/p>\n

\"\"

This is Phil Island, I think. All them hipsters look the same to me. Phil is indicating the glory that is to be found outside the Doohan Grandstand-made-from-scaffolding. Or the size of his awesomeness. I’m not sure.<\/p><\/div>\n

This year the Corporation has enlisted the help of withering motorcycle publications, as evidenced by this dire \u2018advertisement\u2019 AMCN recently published.<\/p>\n

Now I do understand that declining sales ensure once-important and credible bike magazines will now do anything for the advertising dollar \u2013 to the point where bald-faced advertising and cheap shilling is now being passed off as \u201ca story\u201d.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Actually, I’m pretty sure you can’t camp this close to the actual track. But you can take advantage of the campsite which is now fully electrified.<\/p><\/div>\n

What\u2019s happened in this instance is both instructive as to where some motorcycle magazines have arrived (behold what your once mighty journals of record have become), and the sheer contempt your intelligence is being held in by both the publication and the Corporation.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s have a look at this\u2026<\/p>\n

Here is the heading:<\/p>\n

PHILLIP ISLAND RAMPS UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FAN EXPERIENCE<\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s not a heading any self-respecting writer, sub or journo would use. I\u2019m not even sure what it means in English and any professional editor would have beaten you with a cable for writing it. But it is awkwardly paraphrased from the Corporation\u2019s own media release, as is the rest of the piece, so there’s that to consider.<\/p>\n

Look for yourself HERE.<\/a><\/p>\n

But while one can forgive the Corporation for building magnificent castles in the sky, how does one forgive an allegedly unbiased journal of record for so shamelessly spruiking for an advertiser?<\/p>\n

Gee, AMCN, would it have killed you to come clean and state that very thing? Why would you attempt to pass off this tripe as a story or even valid information? Did not one of you geniuses look at this and say, \u201cUm, should we be doing this like this?\u201d<\/p>\n

Let us look closer at what passes for motorcycle journalism in what was once Australia\u2019s finest motorcycle publication\u2026<\/p>\n

Fans can get excited for a new and improved event this year, with several upgrades taking place at the Michelin Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix 2017 at the Phillip Island Grand Prix Circuit.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Thank you so much for your permission regarding my excitement. The alleged upgrades have intrigued me\u2026vaguely. But can I, as a fan, get excited? Really? Let\u2019s see\u2026<\/p>\n

Take a look at the top 10 improvements that fans can expect to see this year at Phillip Island. Everything from ground improvement works, vehicle accessibility, quality campgrounds and premium seating in grandstands will have fans on the edge of their seat as they watch the world\u2019s best riders race on two wheels!\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Check out the tweaks made for this year\u2019s high-octane Island getaway!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a little confused as to why \u201cground improvement works, vehicle accessibility, quality campgrounds and premium seating in grandstands\u201d will have me on the edge of my seat.<\/p>\n

AMCN, why will any this have me on the edge of my seat? You don\u2019t say, so I am asking.<\/p>\n

Hang on, maybe you\u2019ll tell me in your list. But only the Top 10 upgrades? So disappoint. If these are the Top 10, then there must be others as well. I sure hope you might list them as well one day.<\/p>\n

I am also asking if the above is \u201cfrom\u201d, as you state, where is \u201cto\u201d? Oh sorry. You just don\u2019t English all that good, do you? In terms of exclamation marks, less is more.<\/p>\n

Top 10 upgrades<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0 Improved grandstand seating across the circuit will give very fan that little more extra room, with wider seating, to sit back and enjoy the spectacle of non-stop on track entertainment.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s nice to see someone has finally acknowledged the former grandstand seating was less than ideal. It\u2019s also nice you still call a pile of scaffolding a \u201cgrandstand\u201d. Yes, it stands, but it\u2019s hardly grand, is it? Oh, and what\u2019s a \u201cvery fan\u201d? Is that when you don\u2019t bother to proof-read your shit? And this \u2018non-stop on track (sic) entertainment, what\u2019s that? Specifically, I mean. Apart from the racing, which is hardly non-stop. That\u2019s alright, I get hyperbole, even though you\u2019re shit at it. I do hope there may be a marching band at some stage.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0 Be more comfortable than ever from your new and improved grandstand, with the Doohan Grandstand now offering premium seating options with flip-up seats, drink holders and arm rests.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Um, surely that is \u201cin\u201d my new and improved grandstand? One can be comfortable ‘in’ something, but not ‘from’ something.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s new about it? Is it the location? Has someone splurged on shiny new scaffolding? Oh, it must be this wondrous new \u201cpremium seating\u201d option, huh? And we all know options cost money. Hedonistic luxuries like flip-up seats, drink holders and arm-rests\u2026well, hell, that shit ain\u2019t gonna be cheap, huh? Personally, I don\u2019t think any of us deserve such top-shelf-deluxe indulgences at anything but a top-shelf-deluxe price. And \u201cFrom $490\u201d hits the mark there. Hard.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m sure I will be \u201cmore comfortable than ever\u201d, which is not hard, since I have never been comfortable there in my life.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0 For those living it up in Phil\u2019s Clubhouse, the facility has been upgraded to host a refreshed internal structure and levelled flooring for a clean and sharp look.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

And I\u2019m sure there are millions who are happy to pay an extra $135 on top of the normal entry of $140 (general admission) to \u201clive it up\u201d by sitting in or near a tent near Turn 10 and being charged nightclub prices for alcohol. Especially since the tent has now been \u201cupgraded\u201d, so it is now more refreshing, sharper and cleaner. Rather than just being a tent that is tiring, blunt and dirty.<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0\u00a0 Parking your car? Need not worry, as road improvement works have enhanced accessibility for vehicles in rain, hail or shine across the circuit.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Oh, a car? No. I do not own a car. And I do not drive to the motorcycle races. I\u2019m weird like that. You\u2019re still a bike magazine, right, AMCN?<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s nice of the Corporation to fix things for cars. So it\u2019s paved the access roads? Bet it hasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

The bikes? You\u2019re still parking in that swampy paddock, peons. And I am glad Need, whoever he is, isn\u2019t worrying anymore.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0\u00a0 Get an epic behind-the-scenes insight into riders with more access to video content across the event. Keep up to date on social media @AusMotoGP.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

What? What the fuck is this promising me? \u201cMore access to video content\u201d? What are you going to do? Give me three more Smartphones?<\/p>\n

And this promise of \u201cepic behind-the-scenes insight\u201d? I\u2019m calling bullshit. Epic? What\u2019s epic here? Unless you have the racers\u2019 motorhomes wired for sound and vision, what are you going to show me I can\u2019t see on Foxsports? At home. On my couch. And what am I \u201ckeeping up to date\u201d with? Lorenzo\u2019s bowel movements?<\/p>\n

6.\u00a0\u00a0 For the first time ever, campers can enjoy trackside powered camp sites.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Excellent. You have discovered electricity. The people with caravans and motorhomes will be thrilled to bits. I ride a bike. It makes its own electricity. I don\u2019t need yours. Thank you, Australian Campervan News.<\/p>\n

7.\u00a0\u00a0 An increase in new and improved amenities will be installed across the Phillip Island Grand Prix Circuit.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Cool. What are they? Did they not make the Top Ten? Are any of them proper flushing toilets? A skeet-shooting range? Maybe a place that sells nice food? A barber? You don\u2019t say. You\u2019re just parroting the Corporation, ie. \u201cNew and improved amenities have been installed across the circuit.\u201d But since you struggle to write a sentence in proper English, but so very much want people to think this is all your own work, you\u2019ve cleverly added the words \u201cAn increase\u201d to the front of the Corporation\u2019s sentence. You cannot install an increase, OK?<\/p>\n

8.\u00a0\u00a0 For those exploring the Phillip Island Grand Prix Circuit, grab your food, drinks and merchandise with ease, with improved ground access for all weather conditions.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Does this mean paving? Has Mr Fox finally splurged on a few truckloads of gravel? Is concrete now present everywhere? I\u2019m struggling here. Are there more gates? Terracotta tiles? Covered walkways? Shelters with chairs in them? What? Did the monkey who wrote this even read it out loud to see if it made sense? Oh, and what parts of the circuit remain unexplored and require exploring? Must be Siberia. No-one’s ever been there.<\/p>\n

9.\u00a0\u00a0 More behind-the-scenes experiences across the entire event will give lucky fans a surprise opportunity to get up and close to their heroes, peek into the garages or even stroll through the Paddock.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I love surprises. And opportunities. Combining the two is almost unbearably awesome. So everyone can now walk down pit-lane and peer into the garages? Or is it only the lucky ones? I think it\u2019s only the lucky ones. So how does one get lucky? I mean, apart from buying pit-lane passes. How does a General Admission muppet get lucky? What, precisely, is a \u201cbehind-the-scenes experience\u201d? Handing Marquez toilet paper in his motorhome?<\/p>\n

10. Food trucks, bars, live music and exciting GP Expo exhibitors will keep fans entertained in between adrenalin-fuelled world-class racing. Grab your mates and get your Island on!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Um, this is not an \u201cupgrade\u201d, AMCN. There have always been food trucks, bars, live music and exciting GP exhibitors (like Target). Still, you\u2019re promising that food trucks will keep me entertained, so maybe that\u2019s an upgrade, huh?<\/p>\n

So there we have it.<\/p>\n

You\u2019d think AMCN was taking the piss.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not. It\u2019s serious. There is no disclaimer on that piece.<\/p>\n

You could, of course, have gotten the very same advertising blargh, written slightly better, on the Australian GP site (I linked to it above). But then it would not have come with the imprimatur of an independent magazine, would it?<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s what is being paid for here.<\/p>\n

Still, it is a shopper\u2019s market and the Corporation must be congratulated for finding such an eager shill for its wares. Certainly, it wouldn\u2019t have had to look very hard. It\u2019s hard to miss wild-eyed advertising spivs camped outside your offices or clogging up your phone lines with endless phone calls promising all sorts of things just as long as you advertise in the magazine.<\/p>\n

And what you promise, you have to deliver \u2013 at least to the advertisers keeping you afloat.<\/p>\n

No-one has the time\/inclination\/ability to actually call the Corporation and ask some questions, seek some clarification\u2026you know, shit that journos are meant to do.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s just run this crap off the Corporation\u2019s website.<\/p>\n

The readers? They can get fucked. There\u2019s not enough of them to worry about anyway.<\/p>\n

How many readers are there? No-one\u2019s telling.<\/p>\n

I still ask though. And I will continue to ask until someone man\u2019s the fuck up and tells the truth.<\/p>\n

But I shall not hold my breath.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Luxury. Beanbags, black stools and a telly. I would have to take my pants off I’d be so comfortable.<\/p><\/div>\n

\u00a0\u00a0ENDNOTE<\/strong><\/p>\n

It just occurred to me the Corporation may not have actually bought advertising space in AMCN. And AMCN, in its hilarious struggle to fill its digital space with content, has used this Corporation promotion as a filler on its site.<\/p>\n

If that\u2019s the case, then this is an order of magnitude more pathetic than running paid-for advertorials for clients.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re just so shit at this. Walk towards the light, fuck yas. Just do it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It would not surprise you to know I have been black-banned by Dorna. This has been the case for some time now. I\u2019m not precisely sure what specific sin I committed against this august body (and hand on my heart I don\u2019t much care), but I tend to think Dorna isn\u2019t a fan of criticism. [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":442033,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[100,24,51],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/441990"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=441990"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/441990\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":442116,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/441990\/revisions\/442116"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/442033"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=441990"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=441990"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=441990"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}