{"id":441453,"date":"2017-07-10T10:17:22","date_gmt":"2017-07-10T00:17:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=441453"},"modified":"2017-07-10T10:17:22","modified_gmt":"2017-07-10T00:17:22","slug":"and-then-there-you-suddenly-were-like-a-giant-spanish-stronzo-all-up-in-my-shit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/and-then-there-you-suddenly-were-like-a-giant-spanish-stronzo-all-up-in-my-shit\/","title":{"rendered":"“…And then there you suddenly were, like a giant Spanish stronzo all up in my shit…”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear George,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s Andrea. I\u2019m pretty sure you remember me. I was the one who introduced you to your Ducati at Catalunya last year.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t plan to, but you were having one of your moments. You braked too hard, too soon, and I was on the charge and I don\u2019t have to tell you how hard those Duactis go (or maybe I do\u2026hahahahah!), and then there you suddenly were, like a giant Spanish stronzo all up in my shit.<\/p>\n

I could have been your team-mate, you know. Think how much fun that would have been?<\/p>\n

But is racing, yes?<\/p>\n

At times Vale, Dovi, and I think you\u2019re like one of those Soviet submarine commanders trying to evade US warships by performing a manoeuvre called a Crazy Ivan. But because you\u2019re George, we call you Crazy George.<\/p>\n

People call me The Maniac, but you are some next-level mental. All that riding backwards in the races, riding slower than the paddock scooters, and searching for trackside octopus while Karel Abrahams laps you, the red cape, the butter you like to rub onto the forks\u2026<\/p>\n

Man, you sure have taken the heat off me this year. I could not have rubbed Ducati\u2019s face in it any harder if I tried. They had me for the price of pretzels, and I actually won a race, but the Germans wanted you. They wanted Poland at one stage too, and we all know how that worked out.<\/p>\n

And they are ruthless. I don\u2019t know how many times I had to comfort Dovi and rock him to sleep in my arms. Each time it didn\u2019t go well during a race, Matthias would call, Dovi\u2019s eyes would fill with tears and he\u2019d start to whimper. And then I would have to hold him and rock him until he calmed down.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019m going to do you a favour. Here are some pictures of me and my girlfriend, Belen Rodriguez. Like all the other racers, I head off for my summer break with a girl who knows how to wear a bikini.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Yes, I am looking at her tits. They are good tits. And nice to look at.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"\"

Yes, what you think is happening, is happening.<\/p><\/div>\n

It makes me feel good about myself. It\u2019s life-affirming. I mean, what\u2019s the point of being a MotoGP racer if you\u2019re not drowning under a pile of hot buttered babes after every race? And I know you\u2019re all about the butter.<\/p>\n

Hell, even Vale, who\u2019s like 780 in MotoGP years, has himself a new squeeze. She\u2019s all tattooed and nasty-looking, but I guess when you\u2019re old you develop strange fetishes.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Vale’s gone to the dark side.<\/p><\/div>\n

And then there\u2019s you, George. What are you doing on your summer break? Are you splashing in the water off Ibiza with a supermodel? Are you watching her try on lingerie with her girlfriends? Are you complimenting her on her excellent Brazilian wax job?<\/p>\n

\"\"

That looks like yummy paella. Was it yummy paella, George?<\/p><\/div>\n

No. You\u2019re eating paella with boys who look like Madonna\u2019s supporting male dancers. You\u2019re having shirt-off selfies taken with boys who collect cats, wear espadrilles and sip drinks with lots of fruit in them.<\/p>\n

George, this is not a good look from where I\u2019m sitting with Belen on my lap. I mean for you, not for me. My kung-fu is tight-as. Much like Belen\u2019s bottom, hahahahaha!<\/p>\n

\"\"

Yeah, baby. Worth racing for.<\/p><\/div>\n

Look, I know you\u2019re having a tough season. Those Ducatis are a bitch of a thing to ride. But the Germans don\u2019t tolerate excuses, and I\u2019m pretty sure they don\u2019t go to Madonna concerts or eat paella.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m just trying to help. You know, if you felt better about yourself, maybe you\u2019d stop trying to stab people with those stupid curtain rods. And it breaks my heart to see Gigi cry so much. But at least Dovi isn\u2019t needing much comfort this year, huh?<\/p>\n

See you at Brno.<\/p>\n

Or maybe not.<\/p>\n

Andrea Iannone<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear George, It\u2019s Andrea. I\u2019m pretty sure you remember me. I was the one who introduced you to your Ducati at Catalunya last year. I didn\u2019t plan to, but you were having one of your moments. You braked too hard, too soon, and I was on the charge and I don\u2019t have to tell you [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":441471,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[252],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/441453"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=441453"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/441453\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":441537,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/441453\/revisions\/441537"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/441471"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=441453"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=441453"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=441453"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}