So there we were. The police inspector and me. On the side of the road. In peak-hour traffic. Which was now gridlocked spectacularly because his unmarked car and my bike were blocking the left lane.<\/p>\n
The inspector was very upset. He was angry and filled with righteousness and wrath. I knew this cos his hot spittle flecked my sunnies and he had bits of foam in the corners of his mouth, kinda like what horses get when you saw on their bits really hard and beat them with tomato stakes.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were having a great old time, weren\u2019t you?\u201d he thundered. \u201cSwinging through traffic and changing lanes without indicating! You were doing 75km\/h back there! I saw how you used the right-hand turn lane to cut in front of that car! That was utterly irresponsible! Do you know how many of you idiots I\u2019ve scraped off the road? It\u2019s my pet hate seeing you ride like that! What did you think you were doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m old enough to know the inspector didn\u2019t actually require me to answer any of his questions. So I looked suitably contrite and murmured how I was truly sorry.<\/p>\n
\u201cGive me your licence!\u201d<\/p>\n
I handed it over. He glared at it.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight, Boris,\u201d he said, and I couldn\u2019t help but know he would have shot me in the face had I replied: \u201cWhat\u2019s right, Barry? Surely not this first-name-basis thing we got going here?\u201d but my mouth stayed zipped as he went on.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe next time I see you driving like that, you\u2019ll have a fistful of tickets and no license.\u201d<\/p>\n
And then he left me. But he left me wondering what would have happened had I suddenly decided to engage him by answering his questions and responding to his spit-filled diatribe.<\/p>\n
Certainly there would have been a Tasering. Which would have been followed up by a handcuffing. And then there would have definitely been more yelling, some capsicum spraying and ultimately a good deal of charging, followed by bailing, lawyering and courting. I have been down that road before, so keeping my mouth shut, my eyes downcast and murmuring apologies was clearly the smart way forward.<\/p>\n
But this is what I should have said to the enraged gibbon with over-active salivary glands\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were having a great old time, weren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Well, yes. As much of a great old time as one can have trying to stay alive and not perish under the wheels of the blind, brainless retards it\u2019s your job to police. And while I don\u2019t think riding through peak hour is up there with carving up The Ox on a hot summer\u2019s day and partying with strippers, I\u2019ll take what I can get these days.<\/p>\n \u201cSwinging through traffic and changing lanes without indicating!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Please don\u2019t be making things up. I used my blinkers every time. Just cos you didn\u2019t see it doesn\u2019t mean it didn\u2019t happen, you know. And if you didn\u2019t see my blinkers, then you\u2019re not much different to the other herd animals in their cars. So much for being a trained observer, huh, Barry?<\/p>\n “You were doing 75km\/h back there!”<\/em><\/p>\n Actually, I was doing 80km\/h. This is the safest speed for me in a 70 zone. Just as 70 is the safest speed for a bike in a 60 zone. Please don\u2019t feel bad. You know nothing about riding bikes, so it\u2019s understandable you would talk such nonsense.<\/p>\n “I saw how you used the right-hand turn lane to cut in front of that car!”<\/em><\/p>\n Pretty bloody good, aye? I even impressed myself with that effort \u2013 and I am a veteran. Beats the hell out of sitting in traffic and waiting to be rear-ended by some fat mummy in a Pajero, let me tell you.<\/p>\n “That was utterly irresponsible!”<\/em><\/p>\n Please don\u2019t use words out of context. It wasn\u2019t irresponsible. Not even remotely. It was maybe cheating. And possibly daring. And certainly clever. But as a motorcyclist, I am responsible for my life, so please don\u2019t pretend like I don\u2019t know that.<\/p>\n “Do you know how many of you idiots I\u2019ve scraped off the road?”<\/em><\/p>\n Do you know how much I don\u2019t care? I\u2019ve cradled the head of a friend who died in my arms. So I don\u2019t give a rat\u2019s ruined rectum about how you cope with your job.<\/p>\n “It\u2019s my pet hate seeing you ride like that!”<\/em><\/p>\n My pet hate is people talking on mobile phones when they drive. At least 12 of them have driven past us while you\u2019ve showered me in spit. You don\u2019t see me getting all crazy about that, do you?<\/p>\n “What did you think you were doing?”<\/em><\/p>\n I was going home. Why? What did it look like? Look, Barry, calm down. I am a motorcyclist. I am not the problem. I am the solution. It\u2019s about time you and your legions of Bible-packing gronkers worked that out. Do I have to chew your food for you too? How\u2019d you get to be an inspector?<\/p>\n Sheesh!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" So there we were. The police inspector and me. On the side of the road. In peak-hour traffic. Which was now gridlocked spectacularly because his unmarked car and my bike were blocking the left lane. The inspector was very upset. He was angry and filled with righteousness and wrath. I knew this cos his hot [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4297,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,16],"tags":[220],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4296"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4296"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4296\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1496490,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4296\/revisions\/1496490"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4297"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}