![\"ds_napthine2_20130306205347313453-620x349\"](\"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/ds_napthine2_20130306205347313453-620x349.jpg\")
<\/h5>\n<\/h5>\n\u201cPlease rise for the Honourable Denis Napthine!\u201d<\/p>\n
Applause thundered from the crowd, as Victoria\u2019s greatest son and last hope approached the podium in the packed auditorium for the TAC-sponsored \u201cLeave Scared: Arrive Alive\u201d Road Safety Forum.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy there are a lot of you, ” he smiled.<\/p>\n
And there were. For many motorists were there to hear the latest news in the glorious fight against carnage, tragedy, devastation, and other adjectives absent any context.<\/p>\n
Journalists scribbled furiously on their iNotebookpadpaperscreens amidst the cheers, mothers clutched babies who they hoped one day might have to do three thousand hours of supervised driving before they were allowed behind the wheel of a diesel Nissan Micra, and men wept tears of relief that they might no longer be required to have basic mechanical knowledge to be respected by their peers \u2013 as knowing the difference between a spark plug and a fan belt, is information you only need if you\u2019re a hoon\/murderer.<\/p>\n
\u201cSave us!\u201d a young woman screamed, as she adjusted the seat-belt on her plastic chair to make it tighter and less comfortable.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, alright,\u201d Denis beamed at the crowd. \u201cEverybody settle down. I know we\u2019re excited. We have a lot to get through.\u201d<\/p>\n
A small blue-jay fluttered in from the door. Landed on his outstretched hand, and warbled a short respectful and moving tune. Everyone awww\u2019ed and felt thoroughly reassured about the state of the universe and its contents.<\/p>\n
![\"bmgd1737-disney-snow-white-forest-friends-12-x-16-10-00\"](\"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/bmgd1737-disney-snow-white-forest-friends-12-x-16-10-00.jpg\")
Denis with a pretty yellow frock, make-up and a blue jay<\/p><\/div>\n
Chuckling, our hero began his introduction.<\/p>\n
\u201cFriends and constituents,\u201d (who were of course the only types in the room, thanks to a strict screening process), \u201cI am here today, to unveil the next revolutionary step in IMPROVING ROAD SAFETY.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cImproving road safety\u201d the crowd lowly echoed.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs you well know, we are facing a new year of AUTOMAGGEDON!\u201d<\/p>\n
A journalist quickly messaged this new and clever buzz-word back to the office before anyone else, and Rupert Murdoch placed a Mintie on his desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cI recently engaged Monash University to perform a special audit of our enforcement measures, and the results I requested clearly show that many motorists are flouting our good laws regarding speeding anytime they are not in view of a camera! FLOUTING, I say! The results I bought demonstrate a clear and present need for additional investment into enforcement measures through private companies my cousin owns shares in.\u201d<\/p>\n
The crowd roared with approval, and everyone pretended they didn\u2019t hear that last bit.<\/p>\n
\u201cMr Napthine, sir. May I get a copy of these study results for my article?\u201d<\/p>\n
A journalist interrupted from the front row.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at this time,\u201d said Sir Denis, and gave the signal for security to have the journalist\u2019s car confiscated for doing 11km\/h in the 10km\/h car park.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo,\u201d he continued, \u201cBeginning 1st July, we will be utilizing air-borne cameras and all cars, buses and trucks will be required to have a large copy of their number plate painted on the roof of the vehicle!\u201d He smiled and spread his arms wide in a symbol of generosity, as the sheer excellence of his solution warranted deep and sincere thanks from the audience.<\/p>\n
There was silence.<\/p>\n
![\"old-skool-3d-cinema-audience\"](\"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/old-skool-3d-cinema-audience.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
They must be stunned by my brilliance, thought Denis. This is great.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis will help our new, expensive cameras quickly pay for themselves and turn a profit by covering great areas, far away from the black spot zones!\u201d he elaborated.<\/p>\n
\u201cUmmm,\u201d a nervous hand rose from the audience. \u201cI have a question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI assure you, I came up with this fantastic idea all on my own. Amazing isn\u2019t it?\u201d Denis quipped.<\/p>\n
\u201cAhh well, that wasn\u2019t my question. It\u2019s just, who is going to pay for the painting to be done?\u201d<\/p>\n
Slightly irritated by the question, Denis responded, \u201cLook, the charge will be built into the cost of registration, and my best analysts have assured me the amount will be between $50 and $900. That I can promise you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAhhh, I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s fair, Sir Denis, sir. We already pay a lot for rego. Far more than QLD. Why does their system cost the users so much less?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, pal.\u201d Slightly more irritated now. \u201cIf the QLDers want to drive rust-buckets into packed cafes, with zero consequences and no compensation for the families of freshly crippled, blonde children, that\u2019s their business. We deserve better. Moving on. Ahh yes, a question over there?\u201d<\/p>\n
![\"4557414-3x2-700x467\"](\"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/4557414-3x2-700x467.jpg\")
“I re-wrote this in my own words.”<\/p><\/div>\n
\u201cYeah hi, I drive a wagon that has roof-racks. What am I supposed to do with my roof racks?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cObscuring or covering a number plate is an offence and may result in fines and demerit points.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPerhaps you could get a sign for the top of your roof racks or whatever you are carrying up there that has your rego painted on top,\u201d Denis offered, helpfully.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo a bunch of people driving around with large homemade signs, crappily attached to vehicles travelling at all sorts of speed will make us safer in the long-run somehow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow you\u2019re getting it! Anyone else need help understanding my revolutionary new changes?\u201d<\/p>\n
A man stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cI drive a convertible. Somehow I don\u2019t think the new system is going to work with my vehicle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFear not, citizen.\u201d spake The D-Man, \u201cStitch-on letters will work on your cars canopy, so that you can comply with the new legislation. You will be able to drive with the top down when you pay to use your nearest private race track.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s stuffed! I bought a car that I can legally drive on the road perfectly safely, and now you\u2019re changing the rules to make my investment useless!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood sir! This is about safety! Do you think little Timmy is going to have the luxury of wind rushing through his hair like he\u2019s in a convertible when he is struck in a school zone by a speeding hoon? No, no wind through his hair. Just blood. Lots of blood. You selfish monster.\u201d<\/p>\n
The crowd grew restless.<\/p>\n
There was grumbling.<\/p>\n
The CEO of a large, large private company levered himself up out of his chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir Denis, you and I have always seen eye-to-eye on a number of things. Powers for police to interrogate minors alone, fines for homeless people, and forced organ donation from criminals serving life sentences\u2026 but I have a new Lamborghini Gallardo with a custom, flake metallic paint job, and if you think I\u2019m going to let some apprentice house-painter slather the roof of my vehicle with government lettering, then you better also think about where your campaign funds are going to come from next term.<\/p>\n
And I hardly think these good people should suffer after the fact; just because you bought the wrong cameras, or put the right cameras in the wrong spot, or both!\u201d<\/p>\n
Murmurs of agreement swept through the audience.<\/p>\n
Denis was losing them.<\/p>\n
He had to do something fast.<\/p>\n
An aide from his office rushed up on stage and whispered something in his ear.<\/p>\n
Mr Napthine quickly smiled in relief.<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone! I\u2019m sorry but I\u2019ve just been informed of a miscommunication on this issue. We\u2019re not putting extra number plates on cars. We\u2019re putting them on motorcycles.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOooooh,\u201d sighed the collective. This was far less serious, as it did not affect them very much at all.<\/p>\n
But there was one journalist left who was not very good at following instructions or staying quiet, as he was bitten by a radioactive toddler 3 years ago. Super Journo was confused by this backflip:<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, shouldn\u2019t you be consulting with a bunch of motorcyclists, then?\u201d<\/p>\n
Denis paused for thought-<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would we start doing that?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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