{"id":298638,"date":"2017-03-22T09:07:33","date_gmt":"2017-03-21T23:07:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=298638"},"modified":"2017-03-22T17:07:57","modified_gmt":"2017-03-22T07:07:57","slug":"2017-motogp-preview-marks-bitches","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/2017-motogp-preview-marks-bitches\/","title":{"rendered":"2017 MOTOGP PREVIEW – ON YOUR MARKS, BITCHES"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cThey sicken of the calm who know the storm.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dorothy Parker<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Bedouins have corralled the camels. The Qatari slaves who sweep the track have been freshly lashed. And the team managers have all been injected with fermented German chemicals to assist them in dealing calmly with their moody, gimlet-eyed charges.<\/p>\n

The 2017 MotoGP is ready to go.<\/p>\n

Except if it rains in the bastard desert, in which case there will be a meeting where all the riders will have to agree to race or there will not be one.<\/p>\n

So Lorenzo will be, very briefly, important again.<\/p>\n

But that aside, who can actually predict what will happen this year?<\/p>\n

No-one. It\u2019s that kinda crazy. And because it\u2019s that kind of crazy, it\u2019s going to be all kinds of great.<\/p>\n

Each of the riders in every race is always a nanosecond away from seeing out the remainder of his season re-growing important bones and crucial organs.<\/p>\n

And like the word \u201cif\u201d, the word \u201cnever\u201d should never be used in motorcycle racing.<\/p>\n

Nor should the word \u201cpenultimate\u201d. Yeah, I\u2019m the guy in the underpants screaming at the TV, \u201cSay it again, motherfucker! Go on! Say that motherfucking word one more motherfucking time!\u201d<\/p>\n

Fucking race-callers. And fucking pundits. I hate fucking pundits. Except Mat Oxley. I like him. And that other Pom who has a name like a porn-star. I like him too.<\/p>\n

Obviously, I am not a pundit.<\/p>\n

I am a fan. I am a fan of MotoGP and Valentino Rossi. I also like a few other riders, and don\u2019t like a bunch of others, all for reasons which have no basis in reason, but are entirely informed by \u201cfeels\u201d.<\/p>\n

And feels, I feel, are important. Especially when you\u2019re watching the greatest and most dangerous sport in the world in your underpants while yelling at the TV.<\/p>\n

Feels is all I, or anyone else for that matter, have to go on this season.<\/p>\n

So I will share them with you because they are feels.<\/p>\n

I feel that Rossi has great chance of winning his tenth title this year.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s contracted to Yamaha until the end of 2018 and if he doesn\u2019t win this year, he will certainly have another go next year. And who knows? The mad swine might even sign for another two, or just do wild card appearances from time to time. Ezpeleta will burn every rule book and have sex with parrots if Rossi asks him to.<\/p>\n

Ten world titles is certainly the goal.<\/p>\n

But there is another goal. Ago has 122 wins. Rossi has 114.<\/p>\n

And then we can all argue some more about who the Greatest Of All Time is.<\/p>\n

But of course, I have other feels. And I feel that Marquez is not well disposed to letting Rossi win the title just because it\u2019s the polite thing to do. Nor is Rossi\u2019s new team-mate, Maverick, who is already riding his new Yamaha at speeds those Haldron Collider geeks actually masturbate to.<\/p>\n

But I feel Maverick isn\u2019t all that fussed about Rossi. He wants to gnaw on his childhood foe Marquez like he used to. He wants to crack his fellow Spaniard\u2019s femurs, and pour the rich marrow down his neck. And then stab him with the jagged ends. And seeing as they\u2019re both just out of their teens, Spanish, and oozing immortality hormones like dock-whores ooze Saturday night\u2019s jizz, their battles will be epic. And possibly end in tears.<\/p>\n

These tears may well be augmented by Iannone, who has painted himself with sniper targets and is riding a motorcycle that isn\u2019t enthusiastically trying to murder him on every corner. The Maniac won\u2019t know himself. But he\u2019ll know enough to take out his well-used penis and skin it in the sweaty faces of the two young Spaniards every chance he gets.<\/p>\n

When it comes down to three cats fighting in a two-cat bag, all Rossi has to do is not crash, and the title will be his.<\/p>\n

George? Well, George may be quick. Or George may be slow. Or George may crash a lot. No-one knows. Not even George.<\/p>\n

But what everyone knows is if it rains, George will cry and break things in his trailer. His team boss, Gigi, has his work cut out for him this year. He\u2019s already set to cutting what he hopes are aerodynamic holes in the Ducati\u2019s fairing and installing magic boxes full of spells on the bike. So no-one can say he didn\u2019t try.<\/p>\n

The Ducati is quick, but only when Stoner is riding it \u2013 and he\u2019s not racing again no matter how many coins you toss into the wishing well.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s kind of quick when Dovi is riding it, but that poor bastard is quickly replacing Pedrosa as the world\u2019s ugliest bridesmaid, and will be there to pick up the pieces, or spend many teary hours with Dr Costa in the Clinica Mobile. It\u2019s hard to say. George may well smash him in the face with a wheel if he starts beating him on the Ducati.<\/p>\n

Dani, I hear, is reborn this year. Or that\u2019s what his PR team is telling everyone. And Dani is feeling \u201chappier\u201d than he was last year. So I\u2019m thinking him and Dovi will have lots to talk about mid-season as they compare their happy levels.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling some things about Jonas Fucking Folger and Zarco the Frog. One is German and one is French. So they\u2019re not going to win anything. They\u2019re both respectably quick and if it gets messy at the front, and it will, there\u2019s a chance one of them will claw his way onto the podium at some stage while picking bits of Factory Yamaha and Factory Honda out of their teeth.<\/p>\n

Yak? Well, Yak is the only rider out there whose contract is up at the end of this season. So he\u2019s nothing if not motivated. He\u2019s been given a good engine this year, and we love him and want him to win because he\u2019s Australian, drinks piss out of his boot, and speaks funny to the wog media. It\u2019s all or nothing for Yak in 2017, and if it\u2019s nothing, then look out WSBK.<\/p>\n

Who\u2019s left? Well, there\u2019s Cal. Cal showed some flash last year, but\u2026well, Cal. I love the wild-eyed bastard and on the rare occasions he\u2019s won, I\u2019m sure he felt what David felt when he drove that rock through Goliath\u2019s skull and danced on his corpse. But there\u2019s a bunch of Goliath\u2019s out there again this year, and Cal is not getting any younger or faster.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m think Bautista and Barbera will be seen from time to time, possibly as they make bow waves of kitty litter and try to avoid crunching into Lowes, who will spend many angry moments digging his bike out of gravel traps all over the world.<\/p>\n

Petrucci? He\u2019s still a cop, isn\u2019t he? I reckon he\u2019ll do alright if everyone else is having a bad day, just like cops everywhere.<\/p>\n

Brad Smith is really only racing Crutchlow, and since we get the Pommy feed, there will be unseemly levels of excitement from the commentators each time Bradly is devastating the mid-field in his charge to other parts of the middle of the pack.<\/p>\n

Karel Abraham is only riding in MotoGP because his daddy owns sex-slaves in the Czech Republic (he owns that too) and the upper echelons of Dorna put on the best parties, and\u2026well, you know how it is. Stay out of everyone\u2019s way, Karel. There\u2019s a good boy.<\/p>\n

The Asparagus brothers will fight for sixth or maybe seventh in every race. It\u2019s what they do. It gives Rossi, Marquez and Vinales something to pass if they qualify poorly. They have their mission. They will do it and then they will go and be weird in Ibiza together.<\/p>\n

Rins and Redding? Well someone has to come 12th<\/sup>, don\u2019t they? Though I\u2019m feeling that Rins may want to make a name for himself. He\u2019s got some mongrel in him and Redding does have his neck tattooed, so I\u2019m hoping their might be some weighted handbag action in the pits at some stage.<\/p>\n

That kind of leaves Tits Rabbit.<\/p>\n

Poor bloke will probably start self-harming himself after Race Two. But there are still some bones he hasn\u2019t broken, so he could well spend the season focusing on that.<\/p>\n

So that\u2019s what I\u2019m feeling.
\nBring it, you glorious bastards. I\u2019m ready.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThey sicken of the calm who know the storm.\u201d Dorothy Parker The Bedouins have corralled the camels. The Qatari slaves who sweep the track have been freshly lashed. And the team managers have all been injected with fermented German chemicals to assist them in dealing calmly with their moody, gimlet-eyed charges. The 2017 MotoGP is [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":298656,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[219,100,24,49],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/298638"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=298638"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/298638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":299959,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/298638\/revisions\/299959"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/298656"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=298638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=298638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=298638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}