Long and long have I waited for news from the Cave of the Power Lord (also known to those who don\u2019t know shit as Phil Tainton Racing) \u2013 and finally it came.<\/p>\n
\u201cBorrie, it\u2019s Eoin from Suzuki,\u201d said the voice on the phone. \u201cPhil\u2019s decided on what he wants to do with the B-King and I just wanted to check it out with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTell Phil that whatever it is, it needs to be bigger and more powerful and more awesome and more offensive and more\u2026well, more, than what he currently reckons.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not possible,\u201d Eoin replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be a woman, Eoin. This is not the time to get all squeamish with denial and buy a cat for comfort.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no, you don\u2019t understand,\u201d Eoin said. \u201cPhil\u2019s going to put the biggest big-bore kit he can get into it and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow big?\u201d I interrupted, twitching with the iron-clad knowledge that size always matters, has always mattered and will always matter \u2013 in everything from girls\u2019 bottoms to grizzly bears.<\/p>\n
\u201cUm, it\u2019s gonna be a touch under 1500cc,\u201d Eoin breathed. \u201cBut there\u2019s a bit of a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
I couldn\u2019t possibly imagine what kind of obstacle would arise from Phil starting up his photon-fuelled power-speculum and reefing the motor\u2019s guts out to the required size, but then I\u2019m not required to know such things.<\/p>\n
\u201cApparently,\u201d Eoin continued, \u201cno-one makes cams for such bores. So Phil has to make them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Images of the Power Lord, standing at his anvil, backlit by his all-consuming furnace, blows from his mighty hammer echoing through the seething, spark-rich dark as he hand-forges the required parts danced in my mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s the problem?\u201d I asked. \u201cDoes he need me to stoke the furnace or whip the slaves?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no,\u201d Eoin said. \u201cIt\u2019s just gonna take a little time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s fine,\u201d I said. \u201cI understand that creating cams hewn from Yggdrasil itself can be a time-consuming feat. But Matty\u2019s getting letters from impatient teenage girls wanting to know what\u2019s happening with the B-King.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYigrawhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNever mind. Tell Phil I am absolutely stoked he wishes to build a bike more brutally powerful than a supernova so that I can commute and tour on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then I rang Clive, the Lord of Powerbronze \u2013 purveyors of eye-meltingly gorgeous and life-affirming carbon-fibre for motorcycles.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s time,\u201d I said to Clive. \u201cPhil needs to be submerged in carbon-fibre. It will take his mind off whittling colossally cruel cams.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d Clive asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything, Clive. I want everything. This is serious business. I need the world\u2019s entire carbon-fibre harvest turned into B-King bits, like what is says in your catalogue: Tank cover, rear-wheel hugger with silver vents, switch panel, belly pan, chain guard, front guard, radiator spoilers, sprocket cover, clutch cover, side-panel lowers and side-panel uppers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want the screen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I look like a cat-owner to you?\u201d I asked. \u201cA screen is nothing but a miniature fairing, and we must remain true to the B-King\u2019s original nakedness and refrain from any homosexual digressions.\u201d<\/p>\n
Clive immediately recalled that fairings were for pooftas, assured me the parts were on their way to Phil\u2019s cave, and I was left to ponder what else would be required before the B-King became the B-Czar.<\/p>\n
Naturally, weight is foremost in my mind. Especially unsprung weight. I\u2019m confident replacing most of its plastic with carbon-fibre will produce an appreciable weight-saving up top \u2013 especially after Phil takes the standard exhaust system, kills it with an axe and puts something suitably racy and goose-pimplingly raucous in its place. And we will weigh the stuff that comes off and compare it with the carbon-fibre that goes on, but I would dearly love to address the unsprung kilos.<\/p>\n
Clearly, carbon fibre wheels are a hugely desirable item. Carbon-ceramic brakes are too, as are ceramic wheel bearings \u2013 but while all that\u2019s worthy of serious groin rash, it\u2019s important the bike remain grounded in some kind of functioning reality. After all, it will be used daily and it will tour as well as commute, attend track days and visit the drag strip.<\/p>\n
Obviously, it therefore needs a pair of gigantic eff-off driving lights, Oggy knobs and a Ventura rack to go with its 1500ccs of feral nastiness. Oh, and Shawn Giles did ask that I find some stickier tyres for it \u2013 but then he\u2019s always concerned about stuff like that.<\/p>\n
So that\u2019s where we\u2019re at right now.<\/p>\n
Phil Tainton Racing Ph: (03) 9801 1287; Mob: 0418 581598; E: info@ptr.com.au; Website: www.ptr.com.au<\/a><\/p>\nPowerbronze Australia Pty Ltd<\/h5>\n