I spent a recent Australia Day weekend on a mate\u2019s property, engaging with dirt bikes, high-powered rifles and whiskey-based water-drinks. On the second afternoon, one of the kids face-planted off his Honda 230 and was inside the house being ice-packed and nurtured by his mum, so our attention turned to the damaged dirt-bike.<\/p>\n
It was nothing major. Forks were a bit twisted, and certainly nothing that several grown, mighty and vastly experienced men could not deal with.<\/p>\n
Naturally, any kind of mechanical sorcery is always accompanied by a mystical and coded language of assumption, expectation and advice. And swearing. Motorcycle repairs cannot be conducted without swearing. It\u2019s in the rules. Without swearing, nothing substantial can be achieved. So I have included it as it was uttered, so that you may bathe in the authenticity of the experience. If swearing offends you, go look at pictures of cats.<\/p>\n
Anyway, here is the three-way conversation that accompanied the fork straightening\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cHas he bent the fucken forks?\u201d
\n\u201cNah, I reckon they\u2019re just twisted. Hold onto that cunt for a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d
\n\u201cThat. No, that, fuckya. That!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHang on a sec, we need to loosen this cunt first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?
\n\u201cThere. That. There. In there. That. Fuck.\u201d
\n\u201cWhere\u2019s the twelve-mil?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s gone. Here\u2019s a fucken thirteen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust undo that first, not the bottom triple.\u201d
\n\u201cI need a twelve.\u201d
\n\u201cHere\u2019s a shifter. Look, fuck me, just fucken undo it up there. Just loosen it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhich way are you fucken turning it?\u201d
\n\u201cThe way it needs to be turned.\u201d
\n\u201cFuck. Turn it the other way.\u201d
\n\u201cUndo the other three nuts\u2026not those ones, these ones.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve fucken undone them.\u201d
\n\u201cHold it there. Hold it straight.\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s not fucken straight.\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, I\u2019m trying to straighten it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo fucken straighten it. No, the other way.\u201d
\n\u201cHang on, I haven\u2019t undone the top triple.\u201d
\n\u201cYou don\u2019t need to undo the fucken top triple, just the bottom one.\u201d
\n\u201cPush the bars\u2026no, the other way. Stop! Fuck!\u201d
\n\u201cWhat?\u201d
\n\u201cIs that straight?\u201d
\n\u201cNo, it\u2019s still skewiff.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo up the top triple.\u201d
\n\u201cWhere\u2019s the fucken spanner? I can\u2019t do it up with my fingers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI left it there\u2026no, under the crate. Near that thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, just hold it straight.\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s bent.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s bent? The fork?\u201d
\n\u201cNah\u2026yeah\u2026nah\u2026this thing. Look. It\u2019s like fucken ratshit there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not bent. Hang on, don\u2019t do that. Fuck me. What are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPulling this. Here, fucken hold that.\u201d
\n\u201cWait a sec\u2026 this fucken thing\u2019s in the way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, it\u2019s there. Near that.\u201d
\n\u201cWhere?\u201d
\n\u201cThere. That. Yeah\u2026no\u2026that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTighten these cunts up.\u201d
\n\u201cThey\u2019re tight.\u201d
\n\u201cDid you tighten them up?\u201d
\n\u201cNo.\u201d
\n\u201cWhy are they tight? They should be loose.\u201d
\n\u201cYou said to fucken tighten them.\u201d
\n\u201cNo\u2026yeah\u2026 not yet.\u201d
\n\u201cHold the front wheel between your legs.\u201d
\n\u201cGot it. Just push. Hard. Keep pushing. Yeah. That. Fuck. Good. Stop.\u201d
\n\u201cIs that straight?\u201d
\n\u201cA bit.\u201d
\n\u201cWe need to undo that again. No, that.\u201d
\n\u201cYou got the bolt?\u201d
\n\u201cWhat bolt?\u201d
\n\u201cFor there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLooks straight now.\u201d
\n\u201cNo, it\u2019s still fucking bent. The right fork\u2019s bent a bit.\u201d
\n\u201cNo, it\u2019s not. It just looks like it from there.\u201d
\n\u201cLooks alright from up here.\u201d
\n\u201cThe top triple is bent.\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s the fork. Undo that. Push it this way a bit.\u201d
\n\u201cWait a sec. I\u2019ve got this.\u201d
\n\u201cStop pushing!\u201d
\n\u201cYou said to push!\u201d
\n\u201cNo, pull it that way. A bit more.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow it\u2019s crooked the other way.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat way? No, it\u2019s not. It\u2019s the fork.\u201d
\n\u201cThe fork\u2019s outta whack.\u201d
\n\u201cHit it there with the hammer. Just tap it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUse a block of wood.\u201d
\n\u201cYou hold that, and I\u2019ll pull it this way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy hand! Aaarrghh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? What\u2019s wrong?\u201d
\n\u201cNothing, just do it. No, the other way. Too much. Wait\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cLook? See? This needs to be here, like this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not, but.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t see. Can you see? I can\u2019t see. Where\u2019s that thing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat fucking thing?\u201d
\n\u201cThat thing that goes fucken there, near that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was there a minute ago. There it is. Under that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSee? Look at that. Can you see that? Why is it doing that?\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s straight. It looks straight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMove your head. No. It\u2019s still bent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere? Here?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah\u2026no\u2026yeah.\u201d
\n\u201cJust pull it that way a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat way? I\u2019m pulling it that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe other way to that. No, like that.\u201d
\n\u201cIs that triple still loose?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah\u2026hang on\u2026no, it\u2019s done up.\u201d
\n\u201cLeave it, just hold it like that. There, like that.\u201d
\n\u201cStraighten it.\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s straight.\u201d
\n\u201cNo it\u2019s not.\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, it is, almost.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere. More there. That\u2019s it.\u201d
\n\u201cThat look straight?\u201d
\n\u201cPretty much.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019ll do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s still not straight.\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s close enough.\u201d
\n\u201cYou reckon?\u201d
\n\u201cHe\u2019s 12. He won\u2019t notice.\u201d<\/p>\n
And he didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I spent a recent Australia Day weekend on a mate\u2019s property, engaging with dirt bikes, high-powered rifles and whiskey-based water-drinks. On the second afternoon, one of the kids face-planted off his Honda 230 and was inside the house being ice-packed and nurtured by his mum, so our attention turned to the damaged dirt-bike. It was [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":14617,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[67,61,24],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14616"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14616"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14616\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14618,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14616\/revisions\/14618"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14617"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}