{"id":14585,"date":"2016-03-01T18:07:29","date_gmt":"2016-03-01T08:07:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=14585"},"modified":"2016-03-01T08:43:40","modified_gmt":"2016-02-29T22:43:40","slug":"held-body-armour-for-when-you-absolutely-positively-have-to-fight-an-alpaca","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/held-body-armour-for-when-you-absolutely-positively-have-to-fight-an-alpaca\/","title":{"rendered":"HELD BODY ARMOUR \u2013 For when you absolutely, positively have to fight an alpaca"},"content":{"rendered":"

Be calm. I realise that some of you might have thought you were looking at a green-and-black Deadpool riding a Tenere. But it\u2019s not him. It\u2019s me.<\/p>\n

I have caparisoned myself in the latest Held body armour and have set forth to do battle. Sadly, there are no battles that require such armour any more. But if there were, then I would certainly want to have the glory that is SAS-TEC impact foam protecting my gelatinous bits and bony protrusions.<\/p>\n

\"21\"<\/p>\n

You know about this new impact-foam, right?<\/p>\n

The higher the impact-speed, the bigger resistance of the foam. Cool, huh? Next they\u2019ll be coming up with mobile phones that have screens you can control by touch.<\/p>\n

The SAS-TEC foam is lightweight, moulds to your body for maximum comfort and provides virtually linear energy absorbency. So it\u2019s not like rigid body armour at all. It\u2019s got way more sorcery going on.<\/p>\n

\"12\"

Come at me, alpaca!<\/p><\/div>\n

\"11\"

Yes, I am nude under this.<\/p><\/div>\n

Now then, because it is soft and malleable, it doesn\u2019t chafe and there are no hard edges that rub against your meat. Until it all goes to shit and there\u2019s a handlebar looking to skewer you through the pancreas, or a tree-limb seeking to puncture one of your aortas. Then it gets its hard on.<\/p>\n

Some laboratory in Germany has been testing it. They get cruel men to place pieces of the foam over a hemispherical anvil. Then they take a five kilo metal rod and spear it into the foam from one metre away, with a force of 50 Joules. This is like being kicked by a large horse or punched in the face by Mark Hunt. The cruel men do this many times all over the foam piece.<\/p>\n

\"14\"

Some side-boob.<\/p><\/div>\n

Then they certify it. If it achieves Level One, it\u2019s good. If it achieves Level Two, it better. To get the Level One tick, it must not transfer more than 24kilonewtons (kN) of force. To crack the Level Two, it must not transfer more than 12kN.<\/p>\n

I spent some time trying to get my mate Daz\u2019s guard-alpaca to kick me in the armour, but it just kept running away. I then considered the option of crashing into a tree, but felt that was probably a bridge too far. If cruel German men had already gone to the trouble of torturing the body armour I was wearing, who was I to doubt them?<\/p>\n

I found the fit to be very snug, which is exactly how body armour of this type is meant to fit. You really don\u2019t want that shit slipping around when you\u2019re sliding down the road. But despite its snugness, it was comfortable. That would be the stretchy lycra and spandex, of course.<\/p>\n

\"16\"

To prevent alpaca hooves piercing your chest.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"15\"

From above the elbow all the way down to the easy-busting wrist bones, there is armour.<\/p><\/div>\n

All the armour comes out, the whole deal is washable, and the mesh is hypoallergenic and wicks the sweat away. I know this because I was sweating like a horse belting around Daz\u2019s farm on a Tenere in 38-degree heat pretending I was Deadpool and trying to get that alpaca to have a go.<\/p>\n

It comes with a coccyx (that\u2019s your tail-bone) protector and big, wide Velcro straps to girdle you properly about the waist. The arms are adjustable in two places and there\u2019s a thumb-loop so it won\u2019t ride up if you put something on over the top of it.<\/p>\n

But why would you do that? Why would you hide this from the world? Hell, I wanna go out drinking whiskey wearing this.<\/p>\n

There are also three variations.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s the full-house Kendo which I was wearing, then there\u2019s the Keltor, which is like a waistcoat version (no sleeves), and then there\u2019s the Saskari which is pretty much just a superb back-protector.<\/p>\n

\"H948118WD_Main-held-protector-vest-ladies-keltor-9481-air-black-green-2\"

This is the Keltor iteration.<\/p><\/div>\n

\"H938118D_Main-held-back-protector-sakari-black-2\"

This is the Sakari back-protector.<\/p><\/div>\n

And then there\u2019s Daz\u2019s alpaca, which is meant to be a superb flock-protector of Daz\u2019s sheep. But I could have taken any of those sheep and the bastard couldn\u2019t have stopped me. But just in case he tried, I had armour on.<\/p>\n

\"alpaca\"

It waits.<\/p><\/div>\n

HOW MUCH?<\/h3>\n

Kendo – $350<\/p>\n

Keltor – $250<\/p>\n

Saskari – $160<\/p>\n

You may go HERE<\/a> to get them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Be calm. I realise that some of you might have thought you were looking at a green-and-black Deadpool riding a Tenere. But it\u2019s not him. It\u2019s me. I have caparisoned myself in the latest Held body armour and have set forth to do battle. Sadly, there are no battles that require such armour any more. [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":14587,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[154,153,57,58],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14585"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14585"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14585\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14600,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14585\/revisions\/14600"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14585"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14585"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14585"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}