{"id":1442509,"date":"2019-03-31T20:20:31","date_gmt":"2019-03-31T10:20:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=1442509"},"modified":"2019-03-31T20:20:31","modified_gmt":"2019-03-31T10:20:31","slug":"tales-of-the-niken-episode-9","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/tales-of-the-niken-episode-9\/","title":{"rendered":"TALES OF THE NIKEN \u2013 EPISODE 9"},"content":{"rendered":"

In which our hero recounts some of the many conversations he has had with well-meaning chieftains, champions, and low-panted busy-bodies he has encountered in his travels. He has made selfless efforts to shine the light of knowledge into the abyss of ignorance he has been presented with. His success in this regard is varied.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t need a penny just to hang around<\/strong>
\nBut if you\u2019ve got a nickel, won\u2019t you lay your money down?<\/strong>
\nOver on the corner, there\u2019s a happy noise<\/strong>
\nPeople come from all around to watch the magic boys<\/strong><\/p>\n

Down on the corner, out in the street<\/strong>
\n\u2018Willy and the Poor Boys\u2019 are playin\u2019<\/strong>
\nBring a nickel, tap your feet.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Road Gods know I have talked to a lot of people about the Niken. That is not even counting the people I know and call my friends. There have been a lot of folks I\u2019ve met on the side of the road, in servos, out the front of pubs, and at sets of lights, who, driven by the bizarre appearance of the Niken, have squared their shoulders and stepped on up, so to speak.<\/p>\n

I admire them for this, for I am not the most approachable of creatures. Life has conspired to make me look far more forbidding and hazardous than I am\u2026.um, most of the time. Hell, I guess it\u2019s all about timing, isn\u2019t it? Get me on a good day and I\u2019m Mr Congeniality. Get me on a bad day, and I won\u2019t mind if everybody\u2019s day gets a whole lot worse.<\/p>\n

But be that as it may, I am fully aware vehicles like the Niken will attract attention. And as its custodian, it is incumbent upon me to be patient, tolerant, forthcoming and helpful to people who ask questions\u2026up until the point they turn into terribly bad-mannered knobsacks, in which case they are normally advised I am no longer being paid by anyone to eat anyone\u2019s shit.<\/p>\n

That all said, I would share some of the conversations I have had with folks about the Niken \u2013 just so you know what the proverbial patience of a saint is, and when it runs out\u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

WHERE: End of Bylong Valley Way after the Mitta Mitta TT. I have a loaf of bread taped to my tank and I am in the company of Rob, who has ridden his Aprilia from Darwin to drink beer with BikeMe! and is now riding home. We have stopped to breathe after a spirited run and a white farmer\u2019s ute pulls up with us.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Farmer: \u201cWhat\u2019s that you got there? Never seen one before.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt\u2019s a Niken. It\u2019s new\u201d<\/p>\n

Farmer (peering under the fairing): \u201cHow\u2019s it work?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cI put petrol in it. Turn the throttle. Try not to run into stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n

Farmer (still peering): \u201cI\u2019ve been riding all my life and I know about bikes. This can\u2019t be right. Is it heavy? Bet it\u2019s heavy and steers like shit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cHow much money you got?\u201d<\/p>\n

Farmer: \u201cMate, I know about bikes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cBy bikes do you mean sheep?\u201d<\/p>\n

Farmer: \u201cI don\u2019t want to pick a fight with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cI\u2019m not sure I feel the same way.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHERE: Cowra, just outside the BP servo. I\u2019m checking my messages when a large, tattooed, and grey-bearded freedom chief approaches. It\u2019s 35 degrees and I\u2019m tired.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cWhat\u2019s that, mate?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt\u2019s a Niken.\u201d<\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cWhat\u2019s it go like?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cLike a Niken.\u201d<\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cMy son owns a bike shop. I ride a Harley. I\u2019ve been riding for 20 years.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cI will drink to your joy when I get home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cSo it\u2019s like a Spyder with those two front wheels? Looks a bit tall.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cNot at all. A Spyder is big mobility scooter for fat people with bad knees who can\u2019t ride motorcycles. This is not that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cWhy does it have a side-stand?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cBecause petrol leaks out when it lies on its side.\u201d<\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cWhat engine has it got?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cAn MT-09 engine.\u201d<\/p>\n

Freedom Chief: \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt\u2019s an engine from an MT-09.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHERE: Outside the Henty bakery. I am putting my jacket and helmet on and two young blokes with beanies and pierced faces, exuding vibrations of teenage angst, misery, and cynicism walk by, then stop and come back.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Teen One (to his mate): \u201cDude, check this fucking thing out\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYou want me to pose a certain way?\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen One: \u201cHa ha! Nah, mate, sorry. I mean your bike\u2026wow, it\u2019s mental, aye?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYou ride?\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen One: \u201cYeah, just dirt bikes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen Two: \u201cI rode my cousin\u2019s DR to Melbourne a few times.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cSo you know about front-end grip then?\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen Two: \u201cYeah, it\u2019s important or you crash.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWell, imagine a bike with twice the front-end grip of a normal bike.\u201d<\/p>\n

Both teens look like the secret of getting endless sexy girls is revealed to them.<\/p>\n

Teen One: \u201cDude, that must be awesome.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt is. But I\u2019m too old to be very awesome.\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen Two: \u201cSo it leans and shit?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt sure does.\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen One: \u201cI wish I had a job. I\u2019d get one.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYou could become a prostitute.\u201d<\/p>\n

Teen Two: \u201cWe talked about that. But we know all the mums in town, aye.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
\nWHERE: Just behind my dentist\u2019s office in Neutral Bay. Young bloke in an expensive suit walks up.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Young Bloke: \u201cExcuse me, can I ask what that is?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt\u2019s a Niken.\u201d<\/p>\n

Young bloke (pulling out his phone): \u201cIt\u2019s the coolest thing I\u2019ve ever seen. Can I take a picture?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Young bloke (putting his phone away and sticking out his hand): \u201cMy name\u2019s Justin. I\u2019ve never seen anything like this. I was thinking about buying a bike. Are these things for sale? How big is the engine? Does it lean into corners? Why does it have two wheels at the front?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me (shaking his hand): \u201cI\u2019m Boris. You should buy a bike. It\u2019s the best thing ever. Yes, Yamaha sells these things to anyone who wants to buy one. It\u2019s a 900. Yes, it leans into corners. It has two wheels at the front to increase the grip of the front-end.\u201d<\/p>\n

Young bloke: \u201cIs that important?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYou won\u2019t die as soon as you would on a normal bike.\u201d<\/p>\n

Young bloke: \u201cIt\u2019s so cool!\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cI think so.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHERE: At a set of lights. Large, heavily tattooed, troublesome-looking carnivore in a pimped-out Ford Raptor is staring at me through the closed window of his car.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Carnivore (mouthing): \u201cWhat the fuck is that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me (motioning he should open his window): \u201cIt\u2019s what happens when your mum has sex with goats.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carnivore transmits the Death Stare at me.<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIs your mum hot?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carnivore (after a confused pause): \u201cShe\u2019s alright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cThere\u2019s an unmarked cop car behind you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

WHERE: Main street of Cabramatta. I\u2019m parked beside some scooters. A Vietnamese bloke is staring at me and the Niken.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: \u201cNever seen one of these, have you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Vietnamese bloke: \u201cNo, first time. Is very special look.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYeah, I think so. You like it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Vietnamese bloke: \u201cYes, yes. Look very\u2026ah, tough.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cThanks, I try. But the Niken, this. You like?\u201d<\/p>\n

Vietnamese bloke (laughing): Ha ha! Yes, yes, look like robot. Fight robot.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIt protects me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Vietnamese bloke: \u201cYou lucky.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In which our hero recounts some of the many conversations he has had with well-meaning chieftains, champions, and low-panted busy-bodies he has encountered in his travels. He has made selfless efforts to shine the light of knowledge into the abyss of ignorance he has been presented with. His success in this regard is varied.   [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":1426358,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[352,103],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1442509"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1442509"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1442509\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1442579,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1442509\/revisions\/1442579"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1426358"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1442509"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1442509"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1442509"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}