{"id":1422448,"date":"2018-12-19T20:49:46","date_gmt":"2018-12-19T10:49:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bikeme.tv\/?p=1422448"},"modified":"2018-12-19T20:49:46","modified_gmt":"2018-12-19T10:49:46","slug":"tales-of-the-niken-episode-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/tales-of-the-niken-episode-3\/","title":{"rendered":"TALES OF THE NIKEN \u2013 EPISODE 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

In which our hero finds himself sassing up the Putty Road in the darkness before the dawn and waiting for a kangaroo to land on his face, before riding herd on 18-odd riders who have come to test-ride the Niken at Trooper Lu\u2019s garage \u2013 a situation as surprising to him as it was to the appalled test-riders.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>\u201cHey Ricky, now mine is empty, how about one for you?
\nWe could sell it out together, seems tomorrow’s overdue.
\nCaptain Video, done went home, one pilot laid to rest,
\nAnd dragon ladies now talk that talk,
\nabout who loves who, who loves best
\nSilver bullets in the jukebox, spin another round
\nEverybody at the back of the line,
\nit’s midnight at the lost and found.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"

Looking at them in a line is like an optical illusion. More front-wheels than there are bikes…but wait…<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Few things zest up your sweetmeats like riding a damp Putty Road at five am in the morning. Kangaroos, hoary and fey after a big night of reproducing like plague rats, are on the move. I see them on the sides of the road. I see them on the road itself. I see them out the corners of my eyes, lurking, and I have a sense at any second one of them will land on my face and it will all be over.<\/p>\n

But no such thing happens, and as I descend into the Colo River valley the sun is up and I can now easily see whatever is planning on killing me.<\/p>\n

Please, I will not countenance your tut-tutting about my route choices and hours of travel. It was either the Putty or it was the freeway, and I had to be at Trooper Lu\u2019s Garage in Moorebank by eight am.<\/p>\n

So Putty.<\/p>\n

So Niken on the Putty in the dark and on the damp.<\/p>\n

Lots of grip at the front. No shimmying at the back. Granted, I wasn\u2019t exactly setting the world on fire, but I wasn\u2019t quite idling along, either. My pace was a touch sassy, I guess. There is no glory in hitting a kangaroo at snail\u2019s pace. This I know only too well.<\/p>\n

I felt I was approaching the final vestiges of two-tyre grip a few times in the tight, greasy stuff, but it did not let go, and there were no stomach-churns of panic. So maybe I wasn\u2019t. Maybe that\u2019s just how the Niken feels pushing on damp bitumen \u2013 which we all know is the curse of two-wheels. The back tyre remained electronically planted, and I was probably riding a bit faster than I would have on a normal bike.<\/p>\n

All I wished for was more light. The Niken\u2019s headlights and their highbeams are adequate \u2013 like most motorcycles \u2013 but adequate doesn\u2019t count for much in a country teeming with suicidal wildlife. I must speak to Narva. Surely it must produce LEDs which will melt the furred bastards or at least soften them up before impact.<\/p>\n

\"\"

“You’re touching me again, Christos. Stop it.” “Sorry.”<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

I was mulling this over in my head when I arrived at Trooper Lu\u2019s, and was greeted by Christos, the sales manager.<\/p>\n

Christos and I go back a-ways. He is on my list of people I probably won\u2019t probably ever need to stab.<\/p>\n

\u201cMate, is there any way I could impose upon you to lead the test-rides today?\u201d he said after first gentling me up some with coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there no-one else?\u201d I asked. \u201cYou know I don\u2019t like people, and I especially don\u2019t like people I don\u2019t know who have to follow me on vehicles they have never ridden before. If one of them falls off it will shame me, and I will have to deal with all the witnesses. It\u2019s possible no-one shall return.\u201d<\/p>\n

Christos look alarmed, but he rallied.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not very far,\u201d he said, and showed me a map of the test-ride.<\/p>\n

\u201cOK,\u201d I nodded. \u201cBut tell them not to fall off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some 16 cynical but very interested people had turned up to have a go at the Niken, and four short rides were planned.<\/p>\n

But first, I was asked to hold forth to the assembly.<\/p>\n

So I told them a bit about how I felt when I was confronted with the Niken in New Zealand, and then I told them how I felt after I had put some very fast Kiwi klicks under its trio of tyres. I answered some questions about lane-splitting, fuel economy, and seat comfort.<\/p>\n

And then I told them to put all their pre-conceived notions to one side and ride the Niken as if they were riding a motorcycle.<\/p>\n

Some really interesting stuff happened after that.<\/p>\n

We all set off on the small 15-odd km loop. And I could see in my mirrors how hesitant most of them were. They were all motorcyclists and this was a three-wheeled gargoyle of non-motorcycling, after all, right? How the hell was all this going to work?<\/p>\n

Then we did some corners and rode back to the showroom. They were transformed. And smiling. And chattering at each other.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not what I expected.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s amazing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like to spend much more time on it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat suspension is the best I have ever ridden.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was sold at the first roundabout.\u201d<\/p>\n

All four groups set off the same way (doubtful) and all four groups returned the same way (delighted); the same pleased astonishment, the same disbelief-into-belief that the Niken did exactly what I said it would do.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure why this pleased me very much, but it did.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a rare and wonderful thing when you tell total non-believing strangers a true thing, then watch as that thing becomes true for them.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre any of you attracted to each other?\u201d I demanded. There was one girl there, but I felt she would be immune to any alleged Niken gayness which might have assaulted the men.<\/p>\n

They all looked a bit confused at first, but then confirmed they were all as heterosexual as they were when they came for the test-ride.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood to hear,\u201d I clapped. \u201cIf it changes, call Christos and tell him immediately.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"

“Abbot! There is an evil at the gates!”<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

I left Trooper Lu\u2019s and tried very hard to unsettle the Niken back up the now dry Putty on the way home. I tried so hard I only unsettled myself and had to stop at the Orthodox Monastery of St Shenouda the Archimandrite, touch the gate, and take comfort in his words:<\/p>\n

\u201cBlessed is he who laments over himself here on their own, for they will be rescued from the continuous gnashing of teeth and eternal weeping and will rejoice and enjoy a heavenly happiness.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Suitably comforted, I tried even harder and eventually pulled up at the refurbished Bulga Tavern (formerly Cockfighter\u2019s Ghost).<\/p>\n

\"\"

“I’ll be there in a second. I hope you don’t run out of rain before that.”<\/p><\/div>\n

\"\"

Warren and Lee are the new owners of the Bulga Tavern.<\/p><\/div>\n

I had a beer and watched a massive thunderstorm approaching. The air was gravid with thunder. In the distance and in the direction I had to ride, the rain looked apocalyptic.<\/p>\n

With St Shenouda\u2019s help, I might be able to beat that, I thought.<\/p>\n

Few men have entered the 60 zone of Singleton at 190km\/h. I am one of those men.<\/p>\n

But it was too late. The Archimandrite had deserted me. In 50 metres it was as if I had fallen into the sea. Just not as salty.<\/p>\n

And now I have to wash the damned thing\u2026<\/p>\n

FULL DISCLOSURE<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Trooper Lu garage paid me to attend this event. The price was one average coffee which Christos made with his own little hands, and one bottle of Coke Zero which Christos bought with the boss\u2019s money, of which I drank only half because I had to take another test-ride group out.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In which our hero finds himself sassing up the Putty Road in the darkness before the dawn and waiting for a kangaroo to land on his face, before riding herd on 18-odd riders who have come to test-ride the Niken at Trooper Lu\u2019s garage \u2013 a situation as surprising to him as it was to [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":1422466,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[352,103],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1422448"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1422448"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1422448\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1422524,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1422448\/revisions\/1422524"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1422466"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1422448"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1422448"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bikeme.tv\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1422448"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}