SOME JERK GO SO-FARRRRR-AH!

THE PIRGLIMAGE 2010

by Some Jerk

Okay, so I finally do write up for Pilgrimage Road Trip. For some reason, everyone counting on me post photos. I thinking, this unnecessary pressure on Chinee who like to adopt “lay-back” “Aussie” ways, meaning I think you all really lazy. Next you want I do you maths homework too, ah?

Unfortunately, license to operate motor bike get take away because Highway Patrol say, “Okay, I big suspend you six month and you fine seventeen hundred eighty eight dollar!” I say, “Ah, how bout I give you sixteen hundred?”

But he no dice. Stupid lound eye no understand culture. So instead of ride there like man, I go in car like big fat slanty pussy. I lucky Bly crash wog motor bike, turn into cripple. So Darren, who is rzcrew, take pity, drive both us to Pilgrimage.

As consequent, I solly in advance this not proper lide lee-port. I also big solly because I no Engrish. You all stupid for count on me do write up and post photo.

Welcome to my story. I hope you vicariously enjoy weekend as much as I do.

I trip and I fell

Saturday: One Night in Palace

On Saturday morning of Pilgrimage, nice sunny day. I pack backpack full of brick and full beer can and walk on own two leg like hobo to Bly house in Alexandria. Newtown full of pretentious wanker and drug addict. I full of hate as walking along with brick in bag. On plus side, I think, since so close and I been there before, there no way I get lost. No way even Asian sense of direction so poor to lose way between Newtown and Alexandria. I wrong.

I arrive 5-7 minute late. Bly missus Torybackbencher, nice Asian lady, scurry out. Harangue me “AIIIYAAAH! WHY SO LAATE!!!”, make Bly walk back and forth into house to pack luggage in car even though he disable and in considerable pain. Eventually we all bundle into car. I telling you, I big relief that TBB make Bly drive car, even though he only have one foot and always stone out of mind. Otherwise Asian lady drive, probably we never arrive Pilgrimage! Probably we become another “drive in manner Asian” statistic and RTA have field day.

On the way, I forced to make small talk to show polite, TBB and Bly as well, so to fill in awkward silence, TBB show me Bly new “Mobility Parking Permit”. This mean he spastic so can legally park handicap parking spot, but really because just too lazy walk like normal person. I telling you, very hilarious cos he look like child molester in photo. Actually, I think I knew man from photo when I younger. Bring back memory of childhood.

Bly: I challenge him race to car, but he no dice. Pussy.

We drive to meet up with Darren, then we take group piss in Darren office. Like big bukkake, very hilarious. TBB make me in charge of taking chicken ling and sausage loll to feed hungee gweilo at camp site. I think this most stupidest decision you ever make. Who trust fat Asian chick with big box chicken ling? I telling you, she crazy.

Me, Daz and Bly set off on journey, Darren car surprisingly roomy. This cos Bly somehow mistake me for normal sized person with long legs, push his seat forward in front so all squish up like concertina. Pretend he comfortable. Well, he not called “Iron Hippy” for nothing.

Daz pull car bong out of glove compartment, it make from Orchy juice bottle. I say, “Aiyah, this so ghetto! Daz, you very resourceful for lound eye.” He agree, reply, “Not waste money buy real bong.” I think he must be brother in previous life. Now genes gone wrong, too much chromosome, turn into ginger. Never mind, still just as stingy. We bubble away, sing road trip song, very happy to be sitting in car like group of oddball car driving softcock.

We stop at petrol station. We all need take piss as bladder very full! But there no proper toilet, only Handicap toilet. So only Bly get to piss. He come back smug look on face like lanky handicap monkey. Some people get all luck. I settle for urinary tract infect. Daz settle for Orchy bottle.

I buy Callipo ice block from store because bring back good memory of suck on long fruity thing. Very delicious. Go back to car where Daz sitting, open door, instantly become engulf in smoke and funny smell. I glad I put life in hands of such capable driver.

We zoom through countryside, along Bell Rine of Road, where long time ago I crash Benje bike. More good memory. Past Mt Tomah lots sweepers, yell expletive at motorcyclist on road, why those stupid jerk take up space get in way of car? This not Vietnam. I hope all get runned over. Really, everyone know I just jealous.

Finally, car turn left, or right, I don’t know, I Asian. Slow down and pull into quiet street line with ramshackle wooden building and toasty sunlight, street suddenly explode with life cos teeming with gleaming motorbike and big group rowdy stinky gweilo biker all drunker than Mao.

Okay, I know no one want to see picture of bike and landscape. But how else I set scene?

We finally at Sofala. After stop, we all sit in car a few minute to clear head of Orchy effects before stagger out greet gweilo friend. Gweilos jeer and leer. Someone press beer into my hand. I go very pink. I laugh and chatter and scurry around, hug and say hi people I like, ignore others because I no social skills and probably offend forever. But that okay, once meet me, everyone end up offend.

So happy, because is like I back with big extended family, only much easier tell one person from another. Meet lots old friend for make more happy memory together.

Borrie: Big tattooed Serbian man, only man I know with hot pink camera who appear only a little bit faggy.

Boon: bad tempered ginger, who now lapse into broken English every time he speak to me, from force of habit.

Scrambles: Big man, little heart. Or other way around, I not sure. He recently buy new leather vest. I just think it important you know this.